Hope that Makes Me Dance

I apologize for being MIA lately. Last week, I was preparing for our vacation to Dixie, and this week we're actually here with my family, so things have been a bit crazy! Please excuse anything here that doesn't make much sense. I am currently writing this "doped up" on pain meds and antibiotics. Yes, that's right, as soon as I got to GA pollen reared its ugly head and my poor, pathetic body just couldn't fight it. Ha! Acute Sinusitis it is. And let me tell you...it is not  "a- cute"!(Cheesy, I know, but the joke was dangling in front of my face!)Who knows? Maybe I'll make more sense than usual? Thanks for your patience.

There's a song that has been playing in my head for the past month. It's a new one, entitled "Create in Me" by Rend Collective Experiment. I love it because it's pretty darn catchy, but also, it's David's prayer in Psalm 51. The words are quite simple, but they're also quite beautiful.

The chorus goes something like this:

Create in me a clean, clean heart

Create in me a work of art

Create in me a miracle

Something real and something beautiful

This is repeated several times in the beginning, then the tempo kicks up and the band starts chanting:

You're not finished with me yet, You're not finished with me yet. By God's power I can change, I can change 'cause you're not finished with me yet.

Sometimes I really get discouraged with my spiritual growth. Because I'm human, I always have expectations of myself. Plus, I'm overall just a Negative Nancy. There is always something broken that needs to be fixed. There is always a better lifestyle, or situation . "The grass is always greener..." should be tattooed on my forehead.(If you are familiar with the Temperaments Test, you should know that I am a Melancholy...and if you're familiar with the Spiritual Gifts test, it may also behoove you to know that I am a Mercy. Put those together, and I'm the Perfect Storm of emotions. My poor husband) But the Lord reminded me in this song that the day-by-day moments are what matters most. There is always hope because of what He has done...and there are always reasons to be thankful. The question: How can I glorify God most in this day? has been a helpful perspective-shifter for me. Because of Christ Jesus, my future is secure and I am a new creation. So WHY do I worry so much over the hypothetical "what if's" that I create on a daily basis? The Lord is concerned with how He is glorified day-by-day. He delights in those little moments of praise; in a thankful, hopeful heart. There is NO sense in getting discouraged over growth that I don't see happening. And it is just selfish for me to think that this season of my God-ordained life is a waste, or isn't good enough.  A)Then I am far too focused on  myself and my heart becomes divided...and B) I'm robbing God of glory by telling Him that what he has placed in my lap(which, by the way, is a sweet life FULL of nothing but blessings for which I need to be thankful) is "not as good as _____"(TALK ABOUT A SLAP IN THE FACE?!)

The reality is that God is always good and that he gives good things to his children(Luke 11:13). After such a sobering revelation(see above disjointed, frantically-written paragraph) it's easy for more discouragement to flood in. But, like David in Psalm 51, and like my friends in RCE,I have to come before Jesus with that prayer: Lord, I've failed again, but could you  Create in me a clean, clean heart. Create in me a work of art. Create in me a miracle, something real and something beautiful. And, like in this song, I will repeat it over and over again, probably daily, because I am weak and incapable apart from Jesus. Thankfully, though, He wants us to press into the hope that he is NOT finished with us yet, to find those reasons for thanksgiving. Thank the Lord that he loves us past our negativity and complaining hearts. Thank goodness  He has pledged to keep working on us, to continue making us more like Himself.  If you listen to the song, you'll hear the artists' interpretation of it. They're joyful, ectstatic even. So much so, that you can't help  but burst out dancing when you hear it. It's because He's NOT finished with us yet! Some days when I think about this, I feel like bursting into laughter and wild dancing. Crazy? Maybe. But totally appropriate, right? :)

Just another day in the life of this weirdo :)
Create in Me [video]

All the Single Ladies

I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel.  I’m not going to tell you an inspirational story of how I waited for years on end, and just when it seemed like there was no hope, my “knight in shining armor” swept me off my feet.  I can’t sympathize with you when you say that you feel like you’ll never meet that person who helps your life make a little more sense…or the one who will be right beside you through thick and through thin, to encourage you, hold you and comfort you. I just can’t. I have that person. In fact, he is literally right beside me drinking his coffee. Mine is the story of a girl who married her soul mate right out of college , so I can’t say that I waited too long for “Mr. Right” to come along(Although, when it comes to the game of love, any waiting period seems like an eternity).And I am thankful, believe me. But this is not about how I can or cannot relate. This is about you.

I was one of the first people in my circle of friends to get married a little over a year ago. Most of my closest friends aren’t married yet. We’ve all been out of college for about a year and a half now, and they are working/finishing school/starting grad school while I am just now settling into what I call my “normal marriage routine”.  We’re in different seasons, but so what? They’re still some of the most important people in my corner, and though we can’t relate on every level, they help me manage my “crazy”. I love these people with my whole heart. I need them. And no, I can’t fully relate to them. We’ve established this. Sometimes that means I don’t know how to encourage them when they’re feeling particularly discouraged about the “L” word.  But my heart aches for them, and as I was driving home today from work (apparently my wheels spin best when I’m in the car or the shower…) I felt particularly burdened for them. 

My husband was my first official boyfriend. I had crushes my entire life (probably a new one every month in  middle school..oh dear goodness). There were sometimes mutual crushes, but for the most part, the feelings I had were unrequited.  Dealing with that was hard, and there times when my heart felt like it couldn’t handle any more rejection…or couldn’t wait around much longer. I was pretty pathetic (you can ask my two college besties).  I remember feeling so incredibly hopeless and lonely. I would see a boy on my college campus during a walk to class and think, is HE my future husband? Yeah, I was that girl. So when my husband picked me, out of every woman in the world, to be his wife, I was shocked and relieved really, because I knew that in the past I had gone about things horribly wrong. My hope was misplaced and my desire for a husband was too much of a crutch. For so many years, I desired husband to feel happy and content; to feel like I could trust the Lord with this major life decision. I don’t know why, but I felt like somehow being married would solve all of my life problems. SPOILER ALERT: it doesn’t J

You, my friends, are not like that. And I can’t allow a moment of discouragement hinder you from seeing how beautiful you are. I admire you. And even though I don’t know exactly what you are feeling, I want to be here to remind you of who I see. You are strong and selfless. You have a holy independence, submitting to the Father, and you take Him at his word. Your trust in his character is indelible. And your resolute focus inspires me. You might think that because you don’t have a husband yet that something is wrong with you. Or that your standards are unreasonably high. But that is not the case. When I look at you, I see a woman who wholly hopes in God(Ps. 39:7), and who continues to give of herself that He may be glorified. I see someone who’s need to love people surpasses her need to find a husband(Ruth 1:16). I see someone who is trusting while she waits, instead of hastily making her own plans (Prov. 3:5-6) I see a peaceful spirit because you choose not to partner with fear( 1 Peter 3:6). I see a woman who cultivates a heart of thanksgiving (1 Samuel 2:1-2). I see someone whose quiet confidence points ever to Christ(Isa. 30:15). I see you. And each new day that you choose to rest in God’s faithful provision(whether or not he deems fit that you have a husband) I know he is glorified. I mean, every time you come to mind I can’t help but squeal a bit and think, gosh, she is so cool. So I know that the Lord is literally singing in exultation over the woman that you are (Zeph. 3:17).  And you are  an amazingly talented, beautiful inside-and-out person. I am thankful for you. And I am confident that just by being  you lives are being changed and hearts are being blessed.  I know I cannot begin to understand how your heart is hurting, but I’m here to rejoice over who and where you are now. And I love the heck out of you. I am thankful for your influence on my life and it is a blessing to learn from your friendship. Day-by-day you are becoming more like our good, merciful God, and I think that is something worth celebrating.

Also, Colin Firth likes you "just as you are":)

OUCH

Last night my husband rebuked me. And it hurt. Since I was too busy bemoaning the tone he used I didn’t listen. I was defiant. There was no way that he was right about this one. Now, I will award credit where credit is due: He is right sometimes. Probably a lot more than I. But this time, there was simply NO way. His words were harsh, his tone was frustrated and he was overall just plain mad…so I concluded that he was very wrong.  Funny how we humans completely miss truth spoken into our lives when we’re offended by tone…

This morning, when I had a bit of time to gather my thoughts, I revisited last night’s conversation:

Me: Honey, I keep having panic attacks. I’m anxious often—especially in the morning—and I can’t figure out why.

Tyler: I’m so sorry. What are you anxious about?

Me: Well, I wake up early and recount my life. I wonder if all those life-altering decisions I made should have been made differently. Like, maybe I should have taken that scholarship to Troy, maybe I should have gone on tour for a little while longer, or maybe I shouldn’t have quit piano lessons when I was 5…(the list continues until he cuts me off abruptly)

Tyler : Susanna, you have to stop. This is not the way life works. You believe in a sovereign God, so TRUST him.You’re being self-satisfying in all of these scenarios. You’re caring too much about what you think would have made you happy and none of this is even about you. God has clearly shown you favor! You are so blessed. Be thankful!You wouldn’t be so anxious half the time if you didn’t second-guess everything…just trust the Lord! Everything is going to be okay, I promise. I love you. 

Yes, he did get pretty “fired up”, but I don’t blame him in the least.  And, in his defense, he apologized for his tone later, but that’s not my point. Tyler was/is right. I’m too focused on my life choices (whether past or present) that I fail to trust the Lord and it is torturing me! My anxiety attacks are a result of me indirectly claiming that I know better than God. That…had I made different choices, I would be happier. In turn, I’m neglecting the needs of others around me. And I’m too darn focused on Susanna!This morning, when I was meditating on his words, my heart sank. 

I’ve become like everyone else in America; so concerned with my affairs that I forget to preach Christ. And ultimately, I’m saying my will is better than His. Ouch.

Get off of your “high horse”, Susanna! Life isn’t about being happy. It is about bringing the glory to God alone, and finding everlasting joy and peace in that. I honestly don’t know if this blog makes any sense at all. I mean, I just emotionally vomited all over my keyboard (gross, right?). I’m still processing these things. And I openly admit that I am ashamed of my attitude.  But here’s the thing: I don’t have to live in this shame.  Romans 12:9-13 commands us to love sincerely; hating what is evil and clinging to what is good. And in Psalm 31, David declares, “My times are in your hands”.  The Lord created love and time. He knows how to love us, and he knows exactly how are lives are to be ordered. While I’m lying there in the wee hours of the morning clinging to my version of “good” for my life, the Lord Is gently reminding me that he holds my time. His plan is perfect, and I just need to rest in it.  And—as an added bonus—he has given me an amazing husband who loves me sincerely enough to help me cling to God’s good measure for my life.  It is hard to hear the truth sometimes, especially from the person you love more than anyone in the world, but it is SO sweet to see God’s grace in that!!

Tear-Full

Ever since we moved to California, the silliest things trigger my tears.  The only catch is, to me they are not silly. For example, the other day I started crying when I heard I’ll Be Home for Christmas because I felt thankful to be spending Christmas with the man God has designed for me. And the other night, when Tyler and I were watching TV, a Carter’s Kids commercial about moms came on, and I started bawling because it made me miss my mother. Then the other day, I cried while hanging pictures, because one of the frames was inscribed with, “All Because Two People Fell in Love” and I thought about the people in our (mine and Tyler’s) lives who have exemplified godly marriage, like our grandparents and parents.  Sometimes, a mere look from Tyler will spark the "waterworks".  Or a thought of a family member will make me burst into tears. What’s funny is, when the tears come, I am more often than not with Tyler. And yes, he is usually confused. I’m convinced he believes I’m crazy( not really). Honestly, I’ll cry anywhere and everywhere, with no shame. Like Tyler, the people out here don’t know how to respond either. It sounds depressing, doesn’t it? But the difference is my tears are what I believe to be an overflow of a thankful heart. I don’t know if you have been following my blog since our move, but it is filled with some raw posts. Most of them discuss my growing need for Jesus through a daily realization of new sin. It’s hard to be in that place—of constant sanctification, of continually realizing that you are not good enough on your own; that you desperately need a Savior. But now at the end of what seemed like life’s dreariest spiritual tunnel, I see that it was/is the very best place to be. To be so pathetic and insatiable on a daily basis is good for my heart; it produces with me both gratitude and humility. I need that 24/7. 

That first paragraph up there was written before the shootings of this morning occurred.  Anything that I type now seems utterly worthless. In fact, I’m not sure of how to respond. I just know I felt led to write something.  But…what? What do you say to those families who lost their precious children? Or to those families of the teachers who died for the protection of little lives? How do I respond to this random, heinous crime? I honestly don’t know. When I first read the article, I felt angry at the gunman, and glad he died. I felt unsafe. I felt broken-hearted. And I cried.  I fell apart. Immediately, I grabbed Shiloh, held her in my arms, and cried into her soft black fur. That may seem strange, but she was the only warm-blooded creature nearby, and it was oddly comforting. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried to think of a productive chore to keep me busy, but all I’ve been able to do since hearing the news is sit on my couch and cry. Surprisingly, the most overwhelming emotion of the day has not been bitterness or sorrow. Yes, I am devastated for the families of those lost. But more than anything, I am thankful. Not thankful this happened. Not thankful our nation had to endure yet another tragedy. Not thankful that lives were lost. That would be cruel and senseless of me. But because of this event, my heart wells up with gratitude for the love I’ve been surrounded with. I’m thankful…

For a Daddy who always, without fail, points me to Christ; who loves me unconditionally, and is never too proud to hold me in his arms and tell me, “Everything will be OK”.  I’m thankful for this man, whose heart breaks a little bit more with every new step towards the heart of God. And through whom the experienced presence of God is more evident every time I see him. 

For a Mother, who faithfully serves and loves her family, and with whom I can talk at any hour about any topic. And through whom I have observed the most apparent example of tender mercies. She has shown me how to love people authentically, and organically. And, now that I a wife, I have resolved that she has been my best model of what it looks like to honor the Lord as both a woman and a wife. 

For a big sister, who always exceeded my expectations of a sister; who exemplifies motherhood in a radical, beautiful way, and who is never too old to let me call her “Sissy”.

For a big brother, who is truly the brother I never thought I would receive, who shares my sense of humor, and loves to make people smile. He cares for his family in the most genuinely selfless way.

For a wonderful namesake niece, who’s smile can brighten anyone’s day, and who’s laughter is contagious. She is not merely a ray of sunshine, she IS sunshine.

For a niece or nephew to come…who will most assuredly sweeten our little clan.

For a Grandmother, who generously gave to her family for years, never asking for anything but love. She fought to protect and serve her family with kindness, wisdom and honor. Plus, she just knew how to make me laugh.

For a Rogie, who left a legacy of lovely, creative, spunky people. She loved her family well, especially through heartache, and yet daily proclaimed,” The Lord is in control”. 

For the generations of aunts, uncles, and cousins, who have lovingly shown me the value of sacrificially loving your family--whatever the cost, whatever the season. 

For a new family, who I am excited to learn how to love. And by whom I already feel immeasurably blessed and welcomed. 

For a husband, who patiently deals with my sin, loves me through it, and pushes me to know Christ in a rich way. He seeks to love me more furiously, and make me feel valued, like no one else has apart from Christ. Being in this marriage with him as given me a clearer picture of the Lord’s fierce and unending love. 

Finally, for a Father, who is FAITHFUL even when I am faithless. For this Savior who relentlessly

pursues my stubborn, unwilling heart daily. For his abounding love, and patience. For his coming as an innocent, tiny, seemingly helpless child to save a people for himself.

Though I cannot understand what those mourning may feel, I know how I am to respond: in tear-full thanksgiving.

It is humbling that the God of the Universe loves us each enough to remind us to be thankful.  It makes me want to hug the ones I love a little bit longer, and to spend more time telling them why I love them.

So, if you’re reading this, know that you are loved. The God of Creation loved you enough to sacrifice his only Son. Isn’t it reassuring to know that, when we have no possible way of understanding, He can empathize with these hurting people?

“Give thanks to the Lord…for he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things”-Psalm 107:9

“You keep track of all my sorrows…You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book”- Ps. 56:8