You know, people tell you that pregnancy is challenging, but it's one of those pieces of advice you can't fully grasp until you're feeling it. Literally feeling it. About a month ago I chronicled my latest and greatest meanderings on what it is to be a preggo-that is how I have affectionately labeled myself throughout this BUMPY (get it, because I have a bump?) ride- and I must tell you, my thoughts and, ahem, my belly, have only grown since. Now 11 pounds(since my last doctor's visit 2 months ago), 2 long airplane rides, multiple holiday parties and 1 tall box of Godiva chocolates later(we're talking a three tier courtesy of my WONDERFUL boss) I am a Waddling Wonder. And I definitely have to continue choosing joy over fear.
First trimester was scary and new because I had never before been pregnant. It's all still new, by the way, but my curiosities are different.
Before, I was nervous that: -something could happen to the baby - something could be wrong with me -Babe-o wasn't moving enough, or at all, actually
...among other things based on readings and information I gathered from friends...
And now, it's: - finding the perfect name - making space for this kid - taking classes - registering for all the "right" (smart, safe, and quality) products - reading the right books - finding a DOULA( more on that later...)
It's enough to make my head spin! I dream in lists, and awake with a drive to accomplish everything ASAP. With the flurry of the New Year and the bustle of creating the ideal resolutions, everything sort of tangles together. The lists are limitless...my brain feels like spaghetti(...which actually sounds DELICIOUS right about now...)
YET Here are the facts: My Babe-o is coming this year and that is a good thing from the Lord. I can either rest in and enjoy the blessing, or I can plan myself to death and miss it completely.
So, today [and everyday] I am embracing the reality that these lists must be surrendered to Him day-by-day, minute-by-minute. I cannot accomplish anything in my own, and worrying only wastes my time and my energy. Instead, I can recall His faithfulness and move forward in it. I can remember all of the seemingly insignificant ways throughout the process--and the day-- that God has reminded me of his love. It's those little things that remind you of the BIG THING that God is doing...and the BIG VICTORY we have because of the Gospel.
I can remember everysmallvictory and live in hope.
That's all the energy I can muster for now...
The cycle spins on: eat(something salty, naturally, then something sweet) potty, fluids, eat, potty...etc
You get it.
P.S. Babe-o DID kick at 19 weeks, and it hasn't stopped since. :)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Ever since I found out that there is a tiny human growing inside of me, it feels like nothing has been the same. And I'm not just talking about my waist size. My hormones alone have been...well, extreme {to say the least}. Add that to pumping an extra 50% more blood{which means shortness of breath, fatigue and tripling my water intake} plus cravings/ food aversions and you've got the recipe for chaos. Or at least, in my brain. That's another thing: I forget things constantly. So much so that I keep a running list of things people say, what I'm supposed to do, etc. This leaves my already ADD functioning brain majorly crippled. It's not a bad thing. It's just a different season. In fact, this baby{Babe-o, as I fondly call him/her} is a blessing. But it's one of those blessings that sometimes feels like a burden. Call me crazy if you want. I'll probably get some kind of reprimand for being so honest. But someone very wise recently reminded me that honesty makes you more approachable, and that's what I'm aiming for here, folks. I don't want to paint some façade of a perfect life. I want to be raw. My goal is {as always} to make you feel a little less crazy normal by sharing some of my craziness life experiences with the world. If you're still reading, kudos to you, Glen Coco!
The word burden has developed a negative connotation. It's sad, really. I feel sorry for burden. Poor burden. People hear it and instantly think you mean you're dissatisfied with what you've got. But the noun burden literally means "that which is carried". No joke. It's just something you carry. I could say that my purse is a burden. Or my hair is a burden('cause, you know...I carry it on my head...and stuff). But that doesn't mean I'm saying the burden is unwanted.
I realize you probably wonder where this is going. I'm getting there, promise.
So if this Babe-o feels like a burden, it's because it is. Physically, my body changing drastically. My hips are expanding, and my tummy looks like a semi-inflated beach ball. My clothes aren't quite as loose as they used to be, and I fall asleep a lot sooner than my standard bedtime. My mood shifts periodically{sometimes I wonder if Relient K wasn't totally off about their point that emotional girls should all wear mood rings. Except, I think only preggos should. Might make things a little easier on the rest of the world...}. And my desire for food is ongoing. BUT I'm thankful for it all: the growth, the discomfort, the overwhelming truth that this person inside of me has to get out somehow{WHAT?! I still haven't come to grips with that one. Mr. Stork, you're coming, right? We'll do this together, yeah? Great :) } I want this burden. I want this thing that I am physically carrying inside of my body. Not because it's such a cool experience(don't get me wrong...it is amazing!) but because God has given it to me. So everything that happens is a blessing.
When I first found out about the baby{at around 6 weeks} I was blatantly attacked with fear. What if the baby doesn't get the nutrients it needs? What if my body can't handle this? Or worse: what if this baby doesn't make it? What will I do?
That is Satan's Game. He wanted me to partner with the lie that God is not in control.
When I was about 9 weeks along, some of my lab work came back abnormal. I listened as the nurse on the phone calmly explained that my child could have the disease, and that my husband needed to be tested as well. She murmured something about Genetic Counseling and potentials risks involved, but the words Cystic Fibrosis just kept flashing through my brain. I called Tyler back and together we decided that he would get tested. Then, I researched{if you're preggo and wildly imaginative, don't do a lot of this...}. Then, I buried my head in my pillow and cried.
It wasn't until I read the Apostle Paul's words in Philippians, that my perspective changed:
I know what it is to be in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength
-Phil. 4:12-13
If the Apostle Paul--who faced prison, floggings, stoning, shipwreck-- can be "content whatever the circumstance", then so can I. What PEACE lies in believing that!
I am now about 17 weeks along. My story progresses with the bump. I work, play and generally do life with it. Sometimes the bump slays me, and I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to type, but other days, I feel energized and healthy. And every day, whatever the circumstance, I am reminded to be thankful.
The current lie I am tempted to believe is that Babe-o won't move, or that something terrible could be wrong because I haven't felt anything yet. In every week of this journey, there are potential "plagues" to entertain.
But if I have learned anything so far, it is this: The Enemy wants for me{or you, if you're a preggo like me} to lasso the lies; to let them entangle me and cultivate fear. But GOD--the Creator of both ME and my Babe-o, My Abba--graciously {and daily} ushers me into freedom with HIS truth--Babe-o is "fearfully and wonderfully made"(Psalm 139) and I must "Seek the Lord and his strength continually"(Psalm 105).
So yes, Babe-o is a burden. But I carry it joyfully and peacefully in daily dependence upon my Savior.
And each day I am presented the challenge: Will you partner with fear or freedom?
Today{and every day} I choose freedom.
This entry, of course, begs a Braveheart reference:
