Babies Don't Keep

Almost two months ago [what?!] I became a mommy. Truthfully, If you've ever been pregnant, you[like me] probably counted yourself a mom the day you found out. But 6 weeks and 6 days ago[at 1:58 am...oof] I had physical proof lying bundled in my arms. And three days later, our new little family was discharged and sent home[can you believe they let you take them so fresh and shiny?]

And 3 weeks ago, we had our first bout of infant constipation. It was one of the most traumatic days of my life. I'm not sharing this with you because you find my daughter's bowels interesting[I know you don't] I'm sharing this with you because it's my life. Her face was red, crinkled in pain. And when she screamed for the first time since birth, I cried. For whatever reason, her colon just wasn't working that day. She was stopped up[I think you get it].  And after exhausting every natural option, I realized I could do nothing about it[I'm not into suppositories]. All I could do was love her and pray over her tummy.

It had been a long day, and Daddy came home that evening. I was relieved thinking, maybe he has some magic voo-doo that I don't and the problem will disappear. Between screams In the midst of trying to remedy the situation, tensions rose. We were both exhausted and felt helpless. I'm typing this in laughter now, because who ever knew I could get so worked up over my baby's poop routine? Not me. But I did.  And my poor, tired, only-trying-to-help husband received the brunt of the day's frustrations. 

There is a poem I've heard since I entered motherhood. One of the lines has been streaming through my brain since the baby came:

Settle down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep. 

 The basic sentiment: cherish each and every moment with your children because it doesn't last forever; they grow up. 

As I was crawling into the shower after the longest day of my life, I had a revelation: 

Babies don't keep...

But marriage does.

Yes, it is vital to be in the moment with my little girl, but am I doing the same with my husband?

In twenty years(Lord-willing) baby girl will be an adult. She will be out of the house and (once the other currently fictitious children leave) I will be alone with my husband. What will our relationship look like then? My prayer is that our faith will be stronger, and our love[both for God and each other] will be deeper. If that is the case, we will be excited to start a new chapter of life together. We won't be strangers who fell in love in the distant past--we will still be madly, head-over-heels, gaga for each other!

After my shower, I returned to the nursery. My husband was still faithfully rocking our daughter in his arms. I gave him a kiss as a personal reminder of my recent revelation.

Yes, babies don't keep. But if I'm so focused on wishing my child wouldn't grow, I would miss everything. Don't get me wrong, I still think she's growing entirely too fast, and I wish I could freeze time every so often. But I've got to remind myself to look at what's in front of me and give thanks. 

My first priority is to my husband. Our relationship is ordained by God. I am called to love him first, to serve him first and to consider him first. I must cherish him.  My baby's needs are so obvious and [sometimes] so easily met. I can quickly be consumed with diaper changes, warm bubble baths and story time. But even a mere, I love you, in between/during the daily grind makes all the difference in the world. Plus, it reminds my husband that he is first. If I'm not pursuing that relationship [after my relationship with the Lord] then we will grow apart and God will not be honored. 

I feel like I take an eternity to hash out my thoughts. But that is the purpose of this blog. It exists solely for my sanity and I don't actually know how many people read it. If you do, thank you for entertaining my musings. My prayer is that you feel encouraged and challenged the way I have been. 

Now the line, babies don't keep won't simply be my reminder to snuggle my daughter, but to engage her daddy pre-snuggle. And together, as God wills, we will grow. That way when we're old and crochety, we will still be laughing, crying and moving forward in love. 

PS: If you've seen Gilmore Girls, you'll understand the following reference-- 

The scene at Rory's Chilton graduation where Brad sings,"Cherish" has been running through my mind while writing this post! 

UPDATE: in case you were wondering, we figured out the poop problem. Baby girl is happy and healthy in her routine. 😂😉 Every time she smiles I have to keep my eyes from welling up. Oy, motherhood! 

Lessons on Being Forgetful

Lately, I feel like I'm always asking the Lord to "keep me from being a knucklehead". It's simple not-as-complicated when I am by myself. But add other people to the mix and I'm basically helpless. I say the worst things, and I desperately lack a servant's heart that I find myself admiring in others. Take Black Friday, for example(technically it was Thursday evening...so does that make it Black Thursday? Purple Thursday? It's an advertising kerfuffle at this point...): Tyler and I went out to Target. This was at  7:00, so naturally there was a long line of people wrapped around the store. All we wanted to do was observe the line, so we ventured to the back. But as soon as we got back there,someone rudely blurted out, "You'd better start walking...". He had this pompous tone in his voice that seemed to say, I arrived earlier than you did, so I will get my pretty play things, and you lose.  It was some teenager who thought he was funny...or cute...or something.Maybe his girlfriend was standing beside him and he wanted to sound witty. He wasn't. (Word to the wise: being a smart-alike is not considered wordplay. You'll never win her heart that way, boys). And I was infuriated. It took everything I had not to retaliate. My brain exploded with comebacks.  My husband laughed at me as I spouted out a lengthy response while we walked. Oh yes,I told that boy and it felt great. I pouted a bit as I took my seat up front.  If only I had thought of that in the moment. I might as well have. Everyone else at the Target probably heard me whining.

I shuddered. Yikes. 

The next morning I read Philippians 2. Now, I usually don't study using The Message, but I have lately, just for kicks. This is what it said:

 ^1-4 If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. ^5-8 Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.


If you have a heart, if you care, if his love has made any difference in your life...forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Oh, right. That's what this season is about. So I'm not supposed to prove my point when I feel like someone is wrong? So I'm not supposed to insist on my own way?

...

Sometimes I feel like I just can't get it right(see video at bottom) Sometimes I truly feel like a failure. Because I do fail...everyday. But the beauty in all of my messiness, is not what I do  or don't do. It's what the Holy Spirit does within me. And I need him daily to become more like Jesus. People are supposed to see Jesus when they look at me, not hear my snarky comeback. His love--his salvation--is my catalyst. Because of the way he loves me and the life he has given me, I can move forward into love. I CAN make people feel value. No, I don't have it together, but here's a secret that some miss: you don't have to(yes, I know I ended a sentence with a preposition...at least I admit it, and I am not blindly living in an oblivion of grammatical errors)And what's more: Jesus wants failures. He prefers to use people who admittedly fail everyday, to show the world how much he can do. He came to earth, as a mere infant, to "forget himself long enough" to die; to make the ultimate sacrifice, to show the perfect kind of love.

Forget yourself, Susanna. Just forget yourself.

And love people.

All the Single Ladies

I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel.  I’m not going to tell you an inspirational story of how I waited for years on end, and just when it seemed like there was no hope, my “knight in shining armor” swept me off my feet.  I can’t sympathize with you when you say that you feel like you’ll never meet that person who helps your life make a little more sense…or the one who will be right beside you through thick and through thin, to encourage you, hold you and comfort you. I just can’t. I have that person. In fact, he is literally right beside me drinking his coffee. Mine is the story of a girl who married her soul mate right out of college , so I can’t say that I waited too long for “Mr. Right” to come along(Although, when it comes to the game of love, any waiting period seems like an eternity).And I am thankful, believe me. But this is not about how I can or cannot relate. This is about you.

I was one of the first people in my circle of friends to get married a little over a year ago. Most of my closest friends aren’t married yet. We’ve all been out of college for about a year and a half now, and they are working/finishing school/starting grad school while I am just now settling into what I call my “normal marriage routine”.  We’re in different seasons, but so what? They’re still some of the most important people in my corner, and though we can’t relate on every level, they help me manage my “crazy”. I love these people with my whole heart. I need them. And no, I can’t fully relate to them. We’ve established this. Sometimes that means I don’t know how to encourage them when they’re feeling particularly discouraged about the “L” word.  But my heart aches for them, and as I was driving home today from work (apparently my wheels spin best when I’m in the car or the shower…) I felt particularly burdened for them. 

My husband was my first official boyfriend. I had crushes my entire life (probably a new one every month in  middle school..oh dear goodness). There were sometimes mutual crushes, but for the most part, the feelings I had were unrequited.  Dealing with that was hard, and there times when my heart felt like it couldn’t handle any more rejection…or couldn’t wait around much longer. I was pretty pathetic (you can ask my two college besties).  I remember feeling so incredibly hopeless and lonely. I would see a boy on my college campus during a walk to class and think, is HE my future husband? Yeah, I was that girl. So when my husband picked me, out of every woman in the world, to be his wife, I was shocked and relieved really, because I knew that in the past I had gone about things horribly wrong. My hope was misplaced and my desire for a husband was too much of a crutch. For so many years, I desired husband to feel happy and content; to feel like I could trust the Lord with this major life decision. I don’t know why, but I felt like somehow being married would solve all of my life problems. SPOILER ALERT: it doesn’t J

You, my friends, are not like that. And I can’t allow a moment of discouragement hinder you from seeing how beautiful you are. I admire you. And even though I don’t know exactly what you are feeling, I want to be here to remind you of who I see. You are strong and selfless. You have a holy independence, submitting to the Father, and you take Him at his word. Your trust in his character is indelible. And your resolute focus inspires me. You might think that because you don’t have a husband yet that something is wrong with you. Or that your standards are unreasonably high. But that is not the case. When I look at you, I see a woman who wholly hopes in God(Ps. 39:7), and who continues to give of herself that He may be glorified. I see someone who’s need to love people surpasses her need to find a husband(Ruth 1:16). I see someone who is trusting while she waits, instead of hastily making her own plans (Prov. 3:5-6) I see a peaceful spirit because you choose not to partner with fear( 1 Peter 3:6). I see a woman who cultivates a heart of thanksgiving (1 Samuel 2:1-2). I see someone whose quiet confidence points ever to Christ(Isa. 30:15). I see you. And each new day that you choose to rest in God’s faithful provision(whether or not he deems fit that you have a husband) I know he is glorified. I mean, every time you come to mind I can’t help but squeal a bit and think, gosh, she is so cool. So I know that the Lord is literally singing in exultation over the woman that you are (Zeph. 3:17).  And you are  an amazingly talented, beautiful inside-and-out person. I am thankful for you. And I am confident that just by being  you lives are being changed and hearts are being blessed.  I know I cannot begin to understand how your heart is hurting, but I’m here to rejoice over who and where you are now. And I love the heck out of you. I am thankful for your influence on my life and it is a blessing to learn from your friendship. Day-by-day you are becoming more like our good, merciful God, and I think that is something worth celebrating.

Also, Colin Firth likes you "just as you are":)