Back to the Future: A Letter to Myself

Since today is the day Marty McFly entered when he ventured into the future, I have decided it is only fitting to write a letter to my future self. Here goes nothin':

,Dear Susanna,

As you[your past self] write this, your 5 month-old firstborn is sleeping peacefully in the next room. She is beautiful, hilarious, and her personality blossoms more each day. You have loved nurturing her creativity and praying for her heart.

But now that you[future Susanna] are reading this, she is growing up.

And so, since I am feeling the effects of this whirlwind we call life, I am writing this as an effort to help you cherish every season. If you feel offended, just stop, take a breath, and remember I have your best interest at heart.

1. When she's a babe:
 Gosh, I am literally in the thick of this[I have proof encrusted on my tank top]. If you could remember anything about this season, it would be to live in the moment. It seems that every month she changes. The first few months are the most chaotic--she eats constantly, or cries, or poops-- but then, as if overnight, she changes. Her eyes start to open more, and she begins to recognize your face. She isn't content to merely lay on you anymore, she wants to jump, roll, or crawl, or--eeek--walk! Month-by-month she becomes a little less infantile and more like a tiny human. You have been entrusted with her. Remember that God chose you to be her mom. No one else can love her the way you do. And when she sleepily lays her soft, fuzzy head on your chest at night, leave her, and remember the moments are few-and-far-between.

2. Toddler-hood: Hm, since I haven't actually experienced this yet, I don't have any wisdom. But I can tell you(based on what my other mommy friends have said) that it will be tough. She will learn the word, "no", and she will randomly throw fits in the worst, most inconvenient places. You will potty-train. And she might fight it. She will demand your attention constantly, and you will feel emotionally drained at times. You may even be pregnant when you're undergoing all of this. Even then, don't miss a moment. In the most frustrating days, when it feels like you'll never have an adult conversation or look like you even resemble a real person, remember she's watching you. She is looking to you to model godliness--not to have your life together. If you yell, apologize. If she is wrong, point her to Jesus and pray for her little spirit to be broken before Him. Extend grace. Pray for energy to love your husband first, even on the most tedious of days, and show your daughter how much you adore him. Write down the sweet moments--when she tells you you're her best friend, or wants to play with you only. Affirm her daily. Her little eyes are on you, "Momma".

3. Preschool/Kindergarten/Elementary: Well, You can at least remember how you felt when you were  this age. It was the season when you didn't want boobs, and you still loved the playground. Puberty hadn't struck yet, so you weren't insecure. You were care-free, sort of. Little girls can be so caddy, so you can remember having your feelings hurt on several occasions. But you were also the perpetrator at times, so there were often opportunities to grow. You felt secure because you knew how deeply your parents loved each other. This is when you started asking questions. You wanted answers for everything. Who is God? Why can I trust Him? How was I made? Remember to make your daughter feel safe. Love her father openly, and continue to affirm her. Tell her you love her and are proud of her, even when she makes mistakes. Pray with and for her. Study God's word with her. Don't be afraid to dialogue with her about anything(within some boundaries, obiously). She's curious and she is looking to you for wisdom. Puberty is coming, and she needs a firm foundation upon which to stand. Continue to lead her to the cross of Christ.

4. Ah, Puberty, an Unwelcome Visitor:
So far, you have survived  some seriously tough, yet indescribably joyful, seasons. But nothing could prepare you for this one. At this age[even before, really], you were "boy crazy". And you were a little more than awkward. You were homeschooled[primarily so you could pursue theatre] and your close friends[mostly] lived at least 30 miles away. It was a strange season. Everything made you feel insecure. You cried over the tiniest "problems"[why won't X talk to me?] and you journaled like you were on a deadline. Sometimes you even hid your journal so that Dad wouldn't find it. You had a new "crush" every other month, and a corresponding song paired with it. Of course, you didn't develop physically as quickly as others in your age-group did, so you felt excluded and "uncool". Boys did not talk to you, or find you attractive. And the ones who did were never the ones you liked. So, you felt stuck; like you couldn't catch a break. For the first time, you cared about your physical appearance. You never felt  beautiful. And you got pimples[yuck]. Remember those raw emotions. Even when your daughter breaks your heart with unkind words or actions, pursue her in love. Continue to love her father--even when any outward display of affection makes her "want to puke"-- and remember that in doing so, you are creating a peaceful home-life. Keep talking. When she shuts you out--both emotionally and physically["I can't stand you!"--slams door] remind her of God's love. Ask questions, but don't condemn, and spend quality time with only her--even when other littles' needs may be more obviously met. Remember she still needs you, and she fights to feel accepted, loved and valued everyday. Pray, pray, pray. Trust that when you can't seem to get through to her, the Father is working mightily.

5. Teenage Years:
You were not really a difficult teenager, according to your parents. You never struggled with drugs, sex, or anything physically destructive. But you were highly emotional. You still struggled to find your identity in Christ alone. But your gracious, wise parents knew this. And they loved you well. They--being on the other side of things--realized what potential you had in Christ, and they nurtured that. You dad, in particular, furiously fought to love you. You and your father weren't as close as you had been before, and you would say and do disrespectful things that [I'm sure] hurt his heart. But he continued to invest in your relationship. Amidst providing for the family, leading a congregation[crazy-fun group of teens included], pouring into the lives of many, leading his wife, he found time to pursue you. He planned special outings for you, and he wasn't afraid to discuss heavy topics with you. If resolving conflict meant forfeiting sleep, he did. He was there for every performance, every ceremony, every mission trip, every life decision[college, or not?] every shopping outing[to make sure the clothes were modest and God-honoring], and you loved him for it. You just didn't express it the way you could have. When your daughter is on the brink of adulthood, remember that she still needs you. Love her unconditionally, and show her the hero who is her father. Help her understand that you both want the very best for her, and cultivate her gifts. Pray that God continues to show her who she can be when her heart is fully surrendered to Him. Pray for contentment, peace, wisdom, and that she would find her identity in Christ alone.

6. College.
You grew so much in college. Your heart was broken, you learned how to live on your own and make big life decisions, and you fell flat on your face many times. You had some emotionally and spiritually dry seasons, and you learned what it means to be rooted in Christ. Remember those experiences. When your daughter is out of the home, remember that she is still your little girl. Give her grace when she makes mistakes, and lovingly exhort her when she comes to you in sin. When she tells you how she feels you have failed her, breathe, and remember you did the same. Then, when she weepily apologizes, forgive her willingly. Provide for her financially, but teach her how to plan a budget. Teach her the value of hard work and discipline. Spend time with her. Though she seems fiercely independent[which is what you prayed into her life], she still needs time with you. She needs to feel like she can communicate openly without your judgment and with your wise counsel. Rejoice when she succeeds. Be present for every occasion. Continue to point her towards the Gospel, knowing and praying that God is shaping her into a woman after His own heart.

7. Marriage.
If God should call your sweet girl into marriage, rejoice! God-willing, she has married a man who is worthy of her love; who will love her tenderly, yet lead her wisely. A man who loves the Father more than himself, and who promises to lead her by laying down his life. Remember how scared you felt? It was all so unknown to you. First, you came home one summer, unsure of how you wanted to move forward with her father, and then, almost a year to the day, you married him! That must have happened too quickly for your parents. They might have wondered what in the world you were thinking. But, they quietly and patiently trusted the Father. Remember how determined you were. The time for marriage was immediate; there was no waiting. No one could have changed your mind. And, of course, remember how you were "gaga" in love with her dad(still are!). Meet with her future husband, get to know him, discern that he is an honorable, godly man. If they believe God is leading, support them. If it seems too soon, breathe, and trust His plan. When she calls you to discuss their first fight, don't entertain the discussion. Charge her to go to her husband. Be for their marriage. Pray for and with them faithfully. Encourage her husband, and realize that he is different than your daughter. He may not feel loved the way she does. He may not respond the way she does. But know that he needs your support. Always--even though you  may not want to--allow them time to resolve conflict. Do not interfere with their plans. If they live far away, be gracious and patient. Make your daughter feel loved, and that you  miss her, but trust the plans that she and her husband make. If she hurts your feelings, lovingly point that out. And remember, the relationship between in-laws is fragile. Remember how different that relationship was for you.  When your daughter comes to you complaining of how she has been hurt by her husband, take no sides. She did not just marry a sinner, she is one. She, too, will make mistakes. Try your hardest to affirm the marriage. If you feel conflict must be addressed with her husband, do it respectfully, and in private. Love them enough to give them space, and don't harbor unrealistic expectations. I know it may be easy for you to begin taking care of her when you visit, but let her husband do that. Micromanaging is not your job anymore. You have done your very best before God and now she is under the spiritual headship of the man to whom she was given.



8. Parenthood:
Well, now you are a grandmother. Geeze, this all happening WAY too fast!
Another season where your little girl desperately needs her mom. She will feel scared, insecure, uncertain, anxious, etc. Everything will feel so foreign to her. Remember that? Remember how everyone felt the need to share their story with you once they  heard of your pregnancy? Remember how informative the internet was? And the decisions. So many choices! Everyone had an opinion and nothing you decided ever seemed right! Again, I implore you to encourage your daughter. Honestly share your decisions, and stories, but never pressure her. She is her own woman now, and you are her support. She needs your love, your care and your wisdom. Let her come to you with questions. If you can, be present when she requests you. Make every effort to build her marriage up, and to support her journey through "Mommyland". Willingly care for her new bundle of joy. Do the laundry. Clean the house. Keep the baby so she and her husband can reconnect. Serve joyfully. Verbally affirm her and remind her to rest in Jesus' strength. She is learning as she goes, and she won't have everything under control 24/7, but if she knows you support she and her husband wholeheartedly, and that you are daily lifting her with the Father, she will feel secure.


And please, my dear friend, in each and every season, remember to give thanks in every small victory of life(be it successful potty-training, a modest prom dress or college admission) for the blessings abound.

Love,

Sus

Babies Don't Keep

Almost two months ago [what?!] I became a mommy. Truthfully, If you've ever been pregnant, you[like me] probably counted yourself a mom the day you found out. But 6 weeks and 6 days ago[at 1:58 am...oof] I had physical proof lying bundled in my arms. And three days later, our new little family was discharged and sent home[can you believe they let you take them so fresh and shiny?]

And 3 weeks ago, we had our first bout of infant constipation. It was one of the most traumatic days of my life. I'm not sharing this with you because you find my daughter's bowels interesting[I know you don't] I'm sharing this with you because it's my life. Her face was red, crinkled in pain. And when she screamed for the first time since birth, I cried. For whatever reason, her colon just wasn't working that day. She was stopped up[I think you get it].  And after exhausting every natural option, I realized I could do nothing about it[I'm not into suppositories]. All I could do was love her and pray over her tummy.

It had been a long day, and Daddy came home that evening. I was relieved thinking, maybe he has some magic voo-doo that I don't and the problem will disappear. Between screams In the midst of trying to remedy the situation, tensions rose. We were both exhausted and felt helpless. I'm typing this in laughter now, because who ever knew I could get so worked up over my baby's poop routine? Not me. But I did.  And my poor, tired, only-trying-to-help husband received the brunt of the day's frustrations. 

There is a poem I've heard since I entered motherhood. One of the lines has been streaming through my brain since the baby came:

Settle down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep. 

 The basic sentiment: cherish each and every moment with your children because it doesn't last forever; they grow up. 

As I was crawling into the shower after the longest day of my life, I had a revelation: 

Babies don't keep...

But marriage does.

Yes, it is vital to be in the moment with my little girl, but am I doing the same with my husband?

In twenty years(Lord-willing) baby girl will be an adult. She will be out of the house and (once the other currently fictitious children leave) I will be alone with my husband. What will our relationship look like then? My prayer is that our faith will be stronger, and our love[both for God and each other] will be deeper. If that is the case, we will be excited to start a new chapter of life together. We won't be strangers who fell in love in the distant past--we will still be madly, head-over-heels, gaga for each other!

After my shower, I returned to the nursery. My husband was still faithfully rocking our daughter in his arms. I gave him a kiss as a personal reminder of my recent revelation.

Yes, babies don't keep. But if I'm so focused on wishing my child wouldn't grow, I would miss everything. Don't get me wrong, I still think she's growing entirely too fast, and I wish I could freeze time every so often. But I've got to remind myself to look at what's in front of me and give thanks. 

My first priority is to my husband. Our relationship is ordained by God. I am called to love him first, to serve him first and to consider him first. I must cherish him.  My baby's needs are so obvious and [sometimes] so easily met. I can quickly be consumed with diaper changes, warm bubble baths and story time. But even a mere, I love you, in between/during the daily grind makes all the difference in the world. Plus, it reminds my husband that he is first. If I'm not pursuing that relationship [after my relationship with the Lord] then we will grow apart and God will not be honored. 

I feel like I take an eternity to hash out my thoughts. But that is the purpose of this blog. It exists solely for my sanity and I don't actually know how many people read it. If you do, thank you for entertaining my musings. My prayer is that you feel encouraged and challenged the way I have been. 

Now the line, babies don't keep won't simply be my reminder to snuggle my daughter, but to engage her daddy pre-snuggle. And together, as God wills, we will grow. That way when we're old and crochety, we will still be laughing, crying and moving forward in love. 

PS: If you've seen Gilmore Girls, you'll understand the following reference-- 

The scene at Rory's Chilton graduation where Brad sings,"Cherish" has been running through my mind while writing this post! 

UPDATE: in case you were wondering, we figured out the poop problem. Baby girl is happy and healthy in her routine. 😂😉 Every time she smiles I have to keep my eyes from welling up. Oy, motherhood! 

Joy Uncontainable

              

 Her words are few. She just smiles a lot. I see her every week, and the expression never changes. In fact, it grows bigger with each new week.  I don’t know her story. I don’t even know her language. Our only means of communication is through smiles.  Hers is the brightest. It seems to be an honest reflection of gratitude. But for what? My team and I are there weekly with a new activity, several songs and a lesson. She absorbs every minute of that time. Her brothers come with her, and they seem thankful, too. I’ve decided it must be joy. But it’s more than that. It’s like nothing I’ve ever observed before. If you asked me to describe her smile, I’m not sure I could.  It’s comparable to a field of sunflowers. From a distance, you see warmth, and lots of light, but when she’s standing in front of you, there’s so much more there : depth. You could study it for hours and never fully grasp the raw life there. Exhaustive is the best adjective for it. And each smile is different, but similar to the last; all streaming under the reins of indelible joy. In case it isn’t obvious, I love it.

                When I took this job in February, I knew stories would develop. I knew I would be challenged. I wouldn’t have taken the job if that wasn't inevitable. But I never imagined the blessings. It has been more than I could have ever asked. A precious friend and I were discussing gifts recently, and she said something which resounds with this story,

                We as humans are so small-minded. We never think of praying for something so sweet as this. It’s amazing to think that God ultimately creates the biggest blessings. But then, of course He does. He is God!

                She was referring to her new baby(who was, incidentally, in her arms...but then, where else would she be?) but I think her words apply to life. Of course we don’t generate the sweetest blessings because we cannot fathom how mightily God wants to bless us! We are his children; his beloved. Just think of how affected and effective our lives would be if we walked in that! Knowing, BELIEVING  that our Heavenly Father waits to shower us with blessing upon blessing every day…it gives me chills.

                I found out later that my little ray of sunshine’s name is S. She is from Iran. Iran: the source of much conflict and strife at this particular moment. Persecution is happening there. Lives are lost minute-by-minute. S and her family were involved in a terrible explosion, and her parents decided to seek refuge in the USA because of the kindness they were shown by American soldiers. When I first heard that, tears flooded my eyes, and even now…sitting in a coffee shop…entirely exposed…I’m stifling tears, and my heart leaped a little(talk about embarrassing…I have no shame). Her little brother, A (who also always smiles, and loves drawing pictures representing USA) was named after one of the soldiers who rescued their family. Who would have thought that such a beautiful story could come from chaos?

                I easily forget that this is God’s specialty—creating beauty from catastrophe. It’s what He did when he sent his only son to die, then to be raised, so that we might live whole and complete in freedom. Eternal life is our ultimate blessing. Being claimed, pursued, and loved. But the blessings don’t stop there. They are raining down.

                S smiles because she feels safe. She feels accepted. The love that she knows radiates from within. Her joy is ucontainable because it just. keeps. growing.

Wherever you are in life, whatever you're experiencing--pain, heartache, loss, confusion, anger, anxiety, shame, insecurity, and whoever you are, remember this: You are valued. You are normal. You are not alone. You are a blessing to someone. And you are being blessed somehow. You are SO worthy of love.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom – Luke 12:32, NIV

What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving…steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself- Luke 12:29-32, The Message

The Right Now

Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling discouraged because I didn’t think I was really doing anything special. You know how some mornings you wake up and think, “What the heck am I doing with my life”? “Is this what I dreamed I would be doing when I graduated college back in 2012?”The answer, for me, was a resounding “no”.I never thought I would be living in San Diego with my Naval officer husband, working in children’s theatre and within the International ministries of a mega-church. There are bits and pieces of what I dreamed sprinkled in there, but it’s not at all what I expected.

                In my Portfolio and Resume class in college, our professor challenged us to write a 10-year plan. For me, I planned to pursue children’s tour for years after college. I figured I would travel the Southeastern circuit, then when I had ample experience, I would attend seminary to obtain a masters in Christian Education. By around age 27 I settle down. I thought I might meet my husband there.  That was the plan.

                During my routine Facebook check this morning(you know you do it, too) I saw an advertisement for a new Youtube channel that some of my college peers have started. We all studied Theatre together in school, but their concentration was Performance, whereas mine was Musical Theatre. We were in shows together, and we attended parties together, so I like to check up on them from time-to-time for updates. This particular group has moved out to LA, and they have their own improve/sketch comedy group.  They have this new channel of comedy shorts, and I decided to watch them for a laugh. I’m sure one[or all] of them will be on Saturday Night Live someday. They’re that good and I absolutely love watching their stuff.  By about the 4^th video, though, I began feeling discouraged. And I thought, Where is this coming from? Why do I feel like I lack purpose? And then the Holy Spirit reminded me, “Don’t lose your vision for the right now”.

                I’ve been dialoging with my sister a lot about this. She is a stay-at-home mommy of two precious little girls.  You have to know this about my big sister: she is amazing. One of the most amazing people I’ve ever had the privilege to grow up with. She loves being a wife and mother, plus she’s great at it,  and she blossoms wherever she is planted. But sometimes it can be hard to keep a missional perspective when you're cleaning baby formula off your blouse, or when you stay home all day cleaning countertops and changing diapers. Or when your outfit of choice is a pair of yoga pants and a semi-clean yet comfortable t-shirt. I don't think she knows how fabulous she is, or how I dream of being half the mommy she and my Mom are now one day when I have babies of my own.  Sometimes it can be downright discouraging not interacting with adults for weeks at a time. Or to have Dora the Explorer as your sole source of entertainment for the day(you can only watch that show so many times before wanting to throw something at the singing backpack) SHOUTOUT TO MOMMIES EVERYWHERE: You guys are an inspiration. I want to be just like you one day. And I don't know how you do what you do so sacrificially and lovingly. Whenever she[my Sissy] verbalizes those feelings, my mom (we’re all very close) chimes in: Don’t lose your vision for motherhood. The three of us have this tradition of watching Hallmark movies together. There’s something about those movies that make me smile. They’re clean, and sweet, and whenever we get together we watch them. In one of the movies, called “Mom’s Day Out”, the mom (who is in the midst of a mommy meltdown getaway) says, “The days are long, but the years are short”.  That quote has been on my mind ever since… and as a result of that came the realization that I am not, in fact, at all where I dreamed I would be, ­but I am in my RIGHT NOW. This is what God has called me to be and to do. Before the foundations of the world—before I was ever born—God knew that when I was 22.5 years old, he would call me to marry Joseph Tyler Walden. He knew that I would follow him out here, with no job prospects, no friends, no community…NO idea of what Navy life looks like and that I would need to trust Him. He knew I would have to give up a rare offer to go back on tour with my favorite Children’s theatre company. He knew it would be hard, and He knew that I would struggle with adjusting in my first year. But the fruit of that is a deeper trust and commitment to my Him. I learned that what He had and has for me, as his child, is always for my good and for His glory. You know, you hear that and you read it in the Word, but it never becomes tangible (or, at least, it didn’t for me) until you experience it. So now I’m thinking of how foolish it is for me—as his daughter, in the very center of his good, pleasing and perfect will—to question that.

                Some of my friends are jump-starting their careers now. In fact, most of them are. One of them just booked his first Lowe’s commercial. Another dear friend has been doing what I imagined for myself—working the tour circuit, making contacts—and he is flourishing. And yet another friend is working for an off-Broadway company [with famous people!] and she’ll probably be well-known herself one day. But you know what? That is not—nor will it ever be—my right now. My right now is CYT in 30 minutes. I will go and direct these kids in Aladdin and The Jungle Book. It will probably be a hard day, because these are my hard kids. My right now is loving my husband and serving him by cleaning our house for study. My right now is taking the dog out to use the bathroom. It’s not very glamorous, is it? But it is good because it is what God has called me to—moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath. He has called me to serve these kids, to serve my boss, to serve my husband. “The days are long, but the years are short”. Our lives are but a breath. The Lord can take us as quickly as He placed us on this earth. So what good is it to waste time thinking of what might have been or trying to change the present? As Tyler likes to say, “This ain’t no dress rehearsal”. We are here for a very brief time, the question is: How are we going to use it? Are we going to complain, or are we going to be thankful? Either way we must move forward.

                In truth, I am not living my personal life ambitions that I envisioned years ago. But what I have is better: the dream of following Christ. He doesn’t promise sheer happiness all the time, but there is joy and holy hope. He knows and loves me far more than I could imagine, so how dare I believe that any dream I concocted is better?

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be^[i] against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:31-32

²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,^[d] yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ²⁸ But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! ²⁹ And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. ³⁰ For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. ³¹ Instead, seek his^[e] kingdom, and these things will be added to you.
³² “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.
Luke 12:27-32

Be Somebody's Blessing

When we first moved to San Diego, I had no friends. Naturally, this is the case for many people upon moving to a new city. Tyler and I had just graduated, gotten married, and joined the Navy(Well, that was Tyler, but if you're a Navy spouse you catch my drift...). Plus, we moved across the country far, far away from our families(Looking back now, I’d say that was the best thing for us…but that’s another post for another day). I felt lonely, I had no job, and Tyler was gone a lot. In fact, a week after we arrived in San Diego he shipped off for two weeks. It was crazy. Now that I’m a little more seasoned in the military lifestyle, I feel thankful that he didn’t deploy right away(as is not uncommon for some military couples). The Lord protected  us from a lot that year. I remember feeling pretty hopeless sometimes because I was unfamiliar with this new lifestyle we had adopted, and it was not at all what I expected(is life ever?!). I was disappointed and discouraged. It didn’t seem fair that Tyler had to be away so often. But then a friend through the Navigators(which, I'm learning, is really such a small world the more people you know!! :) ) introduced me (via Facebook) to her friend--we shall call her B-- who also lived in San Diego with her husband. They were a military couple, and had been married for some time. It was this random, unexpected gift from God. Before she knew little more than my profile picture, and the bits of information our mutual friend had shared, B asked to be my friend. And no, I am not referring to a Facebook friendship. Well, to be honest, she did “add” me, but that’s not the point.  She told me we were friends. We had never met, we had never really had a conversation, and she said, “let’s be friends”. B wanted my friendship. Not because she knew it could benefit her, or because she wanted to up her FB friend count. She just wanted to know me. I was humbled. After a few mini-messaging sessions, we were able to coordinate a rendezvous at a shoebox coffee shop near her house. It was B's favorite, and she was a “usual”(I always wanted to be a “usual”!). So, before she even knew me, she wanted to be my friend, and she was already taking me to her sacred “honey hole”. The people there knew her order, and they seemed to love her. All at once I was adopted into this routine before we had done more than exchange first names. When we met that day, I remember feeling slightly anxious.

                What if she decides we can’t be friends after she meets me? What if I am too much? What if she thinks I am a charity case? What if she sees how pathetic I am?

When I got there, she enthusiastically hugged me, and we ordered coffee. We swapped stories and questions, and soon it seemed like we had been there for hours. We were old friendsinstantly because of our Jesus bond and because she chose, out of the goodness of her heart, to let me into her life. 

                Over the next year, I found myself coming to B for advice, and soon we began praying weekly together. She encouraged me, and challenged me every time we got together. B had been married a little bit longer, and was further along in her walk with Jesus/life as a military spouse. She knew secrets that I didn’t, and she was willing to let me in. She shared her life with me. Together, we wrestled through all of my worries and doubts in that first year of marriage, and together, we prayed for victory over struggles with sin.  B was like my big sister.

                With the chaos of life, we rarely get to spend time together these days. We have jobs and families to prioritize, and we are both heavily involved in our respective ministries. But every once in a while, we find some time to spend together, and it is always precious.

                B was my first and only sincere friend for a while in the beginning, and she didn’t have to be. She took time to meet up with me, and make me feel a little less crazy when I expressed certain concerns or issues. B loved me. And she still does.

                In college all I was exposed to was formal ministry. What I mean is, it was always structured, and discipleship meant meeting weekly to discuss a Bible study that you would go through together. If you were involved in a specific campus ministry, someone was assigned to disciple you. You didn’t have to seek It out, and community was a given. Everything just sort of came to you.  Since real life has happened (life outside of college), I have found that this type of discipleship doesn’t happen as easily or frequently. Relationships happen at coffee shops, the pool and sometimes social gatherings (i.e. Bible study). I used to feel discouraged about this, but then I realized that we, as women, aren’t always meant to do life together with a structured Bible study. Sometimes we are, but more often than not we feel( or at least I do) more loved when someone is taking the time to pursue friendship with us. That is something we highly value, because as life gets busier(especially for mommies, so I’ve heard!!) we have little time for that. So when we get together with someone, when we make the choice to give some of our treasured time away for a few hours, we want to unwind and share life experiences, to talk about what Jesus is teaching us, and eat something sugary.  For me, that’s what B did. And through that relationship, I grew closer to Jesus. I’m not implying that we throw out Bible study altogether (because some of the most valuable times I’ve had with women have been in the Word!) but we should, first and foremost, remember to love and care for each other through relationships. 

                So, this post is for B. Not because she’s awesome, but because God is. And he used her to tackle my crazy, hormonal heart; to help me realize just how good God is, and how lovely authentic friendship can be. Thanks for making me feel His love in a new, refreshing way. Thanks for being my friend. All glory to Him.

Every Broken Piece

The longer I walk around this world, the more I’m realizing that this life has nothing to do with me at all. In fact, I’m just part of someone else’s story. Yes, His story for me is unique and special, but even that isn’t about me. It’s all about Jesus. With that comes the bleak understanding that I am a dirty, selfish, sinful person, completely undeserving of God’s grace. 

                This has been a revelation of sorts for me, because along with it my eyes have been opened. Instead of thinking about my needs and my “woes” (I really have none worthy of sorrow) I see people. All of a sudden, I hear little bits and pieces that attune me to their brokenness.  I’m not saying I’m suddenly this magical mind-reader (because I couldn’t handle that!) but people are actually sharing the sadness of their hearts with me. It's actually quite random. Sometimes it takes me by surprise. I don’t expect for people to be so transparent, especially strangers. In fact, no one expects that in this day and age. But they are and it baffles me. I mean, there's really nothing special about me that they should want to share the deepest parts of their souls. Sometimes I don’t know how to respond. It’s not even like I’m intentionally listening for the sadness.  Like I said before, I’m nothing special. It’s because of Jesus.

                A few summers ago, a very wise woman encouraged me to be more  engaged with people by asking questions. It seems invasive and a bit awkward at first, but if I’ve learned anything from that exercise, it’s that people enjoy sharing the details of their lives. Don’t we all? Sometimes I catch myself giving an entire spiel  before I’ll dare ask about the other person. It’s almost like I need a bright blinking light above my head that shocks me when I hit my talking limit.  I think that’s just the way people are wired. We like to talk about ourselves.

                This morning after my Zumba class (you guys…it’s a dance party workout combo…how can you lose?!), I went to the store to exchange my tap shoes for a smaller size. The lady helping me had a beautiful engagement ring, and I complimented her on it. Her face brightened and she shared that she had been married almost a year, to which I shared that I had almost been married two. We congratulated each other, and the conversation shifted.

                “Do you guys have kids yet?” she asked

                “Not yet, my husband is in the Navy and we’re hoping we can wait until Shore Duty. What about you guys?”

                “We’re trying” her smile faded

                “That’s exciting, right?” I inquired

                “Yes, but we’ve already lost two.

I frowned, “I’m so sorry”

“It gets discouraging when we try and try and nothing happens”

At that point, she changed the topic to my shoes. Clearly, she didn’t want to think about what was or wasn’t happening in her life.

I walked away from the conversation feeling so burdened for that woman. I wanted to fix her problems immediately. So I sat there, and prayed silently for her in my car. She’s been on my mind ever since.

                Ruth Graham has a book entitled, In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart.  I think we can translate that title to our everyday lives. In every life sits a hole of brokenness. Sometimes the hole isn’t as visible as we might hope, but it’s there nonetheless, and it can only be filled with a Saviour. Jesus came to “bind up the brokenhearted” and “set the captives free” (Isaiah 61). He is the only one who can take every broken piece and bind it perfectly with Gospel healing. The more I mediate on this, the more tangible the charge to love others becomes. We, as believers, can share this bondage-releasing Gospel with people. We just have to ask questions, and listen for the leading of the Holy Spirit. Our eyes must be peeled and our ears open to catch those broken pieces.

Fainting Goats and Other Things

As promised, the Fainting Goats(just in case it is one of those days and you need a laugh):

I wanted to share a song that has been particularly encouraging to me within the past year. It is called Endless Years. It's pretty simple; just a few lines with mostly instrumentation. BUT it is powerful! When I listen, I like to imagine The Lord singing it over me. 

" I will hold you child when all is lost, when the work is done, when the song has been sung. You will be with me through endless years. We will dance and sing when your heart is fulfilled. So don't you close your eyes. Don't you lose your way. Don't you miss all the gifts that are unforeseen. I'm your Anchor and Shield. I'm the wind in your sails. I'm the song in your heart, the God who saves."

The command not to "miss all the gifts that are unforeseen" has really struck a chord with me lately. So often I feel I am too concerned with my personal "bubble" and the happenings of my life to consider how The Lord is working(whether that be in my life or in the lives of those around me). His plan is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2). Sometimes my world seems to be spinning so quickly that I don't take the time to consider all of His gifts and the unforeseen aspects of His divine plan. The "Negative Nancy" in me too soon rears her ugly head, and I am left focusing on what I consider are the more unappealing aspects of my life rather than the bounty of blessings I have received by His tender hand. He is wisely leading all the time, and longing that we always lay our problems at his feet. How encouraging to know that when we do, we will not be rejected, but instead embraced (Matthew 11:28-30). In the chaos, in the confusion, in the wandering hours and especially in the pain, God is working. May we stop long enough to take a breath or two, and remember this faithful Savior. 

Endless Years

Christmas Lessons(and Something Silly)

“Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, for he has visited and redeemed his people and raised up a horn of salvation for us…that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies might serve him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before him all our days” (Luke 1: 68-69, 74-75)

These words come from Zechariah, the earthly father of John the Baptist, shortly after John was born. Zechariah had been a servant of the Lord all of his life. He was a priest, so this idea of living in service to God was no news. But learning to live without fear was. We don’t know much of Zechariah’s character, but we do know that he was a righteous man, who faithfully followed the Lord’s statutes (1:6-7).  He pointed the people to God, and he was married to a godly woman. But when an angel visited him and told him he would have a son in his old age (though he had prayed for this), “fear fell upon him”(Luke 1:12). He didn’t believe that it was possible. In fact, he demanded evidence (vs. 18). Because he doubted, his mouth was closed until the baby was born. That would have been embarrassing, wouldn’t it? Not being able to communicate with friends and family, or order your favorite tapas, pray at dinnertime, yell at a football game, or sing Christmas carols (well, they didn’t have football back then and they didn’t sing Christmas carols, because…uh…Christmas hadn’t happened yet…er…but you get the picture) and all because you just had to question God’s plan. But this was his lot for the next 9 months. I probably wouldn’t have been too pleased with the situation. I would’ve felt so helpless, and ashamed. And I think Zechariah probably felt that way, too, at first. But the verses above tell me that eventually he put on his “big boy pants” and decided to learn from his mistakes. Verse 63 tells us that while the family was arguing over what the baby should be called and came to him for the final word, he wrote “His name is John”. What happened next? His “tongue was loosed” and he began blessing God! Well, his friends and family members were stunned, and maybe a little scared, but Zechariah was not. He had been released from fear! Filled with the Holy Spirit, he  felt complete freedom, and humility. And he blessed the Lord.

“…That we, being delivered from all our enemies, might serve him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before him all our days…”- (vs.74-75)

I’m going to be transparent with you: I borrow fear. My vivid imagination sometimes expects or conjures the worst, and fear becomes my closest enemy. I fear the unknown…which means I fear the future, darkness, etc. You name it, and if I don’t have a plan marked out in my brain to tackle it, then I’m afraid of it. My husband and I were having a conversation about this last night. You see, I’m a little afraid of death. Though the thought of being with Jesus face-to-face excites me, death is still the unknown, so there is fear. This does not honor God. What Zechariah realized—and proclaimed—was that any fear God’s people harbor is not grounded. He knew that because of the sacrifice the sweet little one born of Mary would make, God’s people are wholly free, covered in the grace and righteousness of Christ.

Theologian Matthew Henry explains it well: We are therefore delivered from the iron yoke of sin, that our necks may be put under the sweet and easy yoke of the Lord Jesus. The very bonds which he has loosed do bind us faster unto him, Psa_116:16. We are hereby enabled to serve God without fear.We are therefore put into a state of holy safety that we might serve God with a holy security and serenity of mind, as those that are quiet from the fears of evil.

This is the Gospel. Because of the perfect sacrifice of Jesus, there is nothing to fear—in life and in death. We can trust him completely. All of these miniscule fears I create are not from Him and I cannot be bound by them. God has not called his children to live in fear, but to serve “in holiness and righteousness before him all our days”.  There is no time for fear when we’re happily, quietly resting in Him.

Geeze.  More and  more I realize how little I know and how unworthy I am apart from him.

Glory, glory, GLORY to this perfect Savior.

As promised: Something catchy Silly:

Sending a Very Merry Christmas to you and yours!