Ugly Worship

Oh, love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in thee...

This week has been tearful, to say the least. I'm not saying my tears are sad at all. In fact, I've cried for a myriad of reasons. Sappy commercial, silly love song, random act of kindness from a stranger, etc. And my tears are't pretty, either. I'm one of those uncomposed criers. Come on, don't act like you're not picking up what I'm putting down. We've all witnessed those people--the ones who cause a major public scene with their blubbering. They leek slobber and salty tears all over their faces, their expression would make you think they're witnessing some heinous crime, and the noises...oh, the noises. They squeak, snort, cough...sometimes their vocal register is so high that their speech is barely audible through their tearful stammering. Overall just a heap of discomfort for everyone involved. And I mean EVERYONE. I like to call it ugly crying. Humorously enough, usually the catalyst for such a commotion is nothing greater than a tragic ending to their favorite rom-com or the pathetic realization that Justin Beiber does, in fact, have a new lady friend ( yes boys, sometimes we are shallow enough to dream that we could be next) Don't worry, to quote one of my favorite Nelly songs, it is "only just a dream"(sounds kinda redundant, Nell, let's aim for better material next time, okay?I can be real like this with him because we're tight...) Well, confession time: that crazed crier is me. Yup, I can totally relate to those girls because I have been THAT GIRL.

Okay, maybe it's not THAT dramatic...but in my head it is. You name it, and I've probably cried about it. Sometimes Tyler likes to predict the tears when we're watching a movie or a sugary commercial. I know this because he always looks back at me expectantly. It's like a cheap thrill for him. Makes him giggle and I don't mind :)

The biggest tear-trigger thus far this week: My husband is gone for two weeks. It's strange and new for us since we haven't been separated for this long since our first few weeks of marriage. He is out to sea, and I am here in San Diego, awaiting his return. It has probably been one of the longest weeks of my married life. Trying to fill my days with meetings and outings with friends, over-cleaning the house, finding little tasks to keep me busy. It is hard, and sometimes really discouraging. Waiting and wondering if he's ok. Waiting and praying that he isn't exhausted. Waiting and checking my email constantly, for some word on his current state. Waiting...waiting...waiting...

Today in Starbucks I had an ugly crying moment.
I was reading Paul's words in Philippians 3:

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that DEPENDS on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (7-11)

I kept retracing those words in my mind.And there in my cushy leather chair, began the tear-fest. Of course, since I WAS in a public place, I determined not to let the waterworks consume me. Soon, however, my eyes were so full that my glasses fogged up and my vision blurred. My face became wet and blotchy. I looked like a hot mess and I had to leave. So, I continued the moment in the privacy of my car. I know people must have thought I was crazy...

But that thought kept striking me: Righteousness depends on faith...

I know this is elementary, but for me, it was revolutionary. I considered all of those faith-less moments I have on a daily basis. I literally have very little faith. You can look at the Spiritual gifts test I took last night...I "don't got it". In fact, I barely have faith enough for it to count. I think I scored a 2. Geeze louise. It was hitting me hard, like a blow to the head. Then I was overwhelmed by love. What a GOOD God we serve. He not only saves us, but he LOVES us. The Word says that he KNOWS we are dust, and yet he DESIRES a life-giving, vulnerable relationship with us. He saves us, and he knows us. AND he desires that we know him. That's why He keeps pressing deeper and harder into our hearts: to soften us and make us more like himself. He desires that we be righteous. But our problem is: we are faithless creatures. Faithless and imperfect. We are not made to have hope. We are born as objects of wrath. We have zero hope.


but JESUS.

He wants me to be righteous. He knows I can't on my own,so he washes me with his blood. He desires faith, but he knows I am faithless. So he graciously gives grace to believe-especially in these aimless waiting games.

Our God provides. In this life, I feel like there will always be something to wait for. Whether it's a spouse, a baby, a new job, etc. There is always an excuse to be discontent. To forget to worship. But that is not what God desires for his children. We could wait anxiously, believing the lie that God will not take care of us OR we can rest in the satisfaction that He knows us and every step we take is guided by his desire that we be conformed to his image; that we would KNOW his heart. And when we lack faith--which we almost always will--He gives more grace to believe and to trust his steadfast hand. In those faithless days, we can worship in the best way we can muster.

So, while this waiting business sometimes drags me down, I can choose to find contentment in the everyday grace--those small victories I keep referencing. If that means my ugly crying is all I've got to offer after a long day, then may that be a fragrant offering of worship to my King. He gives the day-by-day faith to make us righteously content.

Today's small victory: one of my kids--who usually cries every rehearsal--did not cry today!

This week: Shiloh learned how to "sit" and "stay"....

Taking things one day at a time, people, and the Father keeps reminding me of his love.

:)
photo credit: Jill Greenberg

Tear-Full

Ever since we moved to California, the silliest things trigger my tears.  The only catch is, to me they are not silly. For example, the other day I started crying when I heard I’ll Be Home for Christmas because I felt thankful to be spending Christmas with the man God has designed for me. And the other night, when Tyler and I were watching TV, a Carter’s Kids commercial about moms came on, and I started bawling because it made me miss my mother. Then the other day, I cried while hanging pictures, because one of the frames was inscribed with, “All Because Two People Fell in Love” and I thought about the people in our (mine and Tyler’s) lives who have exemplified godly marriage, like our grandparents and parents.  Sometimes, a mere look from Tyler will spark the "waterworks".  Or a thought of a family member will make me burst into tears. What’s funny is, when the tears come, I am more often than not with Tyler. And yes, he is usually confused. I’m convinced he believes I’m crazy( not really). Honestly, I’ll cry anywhere and everywhere, with no shame. Like Tyler, the people out here don’t know how to respond either. It sounds depressing, doesn’t it? But the difference is my tears are what I believe to be an overflow of a thankful heart. I don’t know if you have been following my blog since our move, but it is filled with some raw posts. Most of them discuss my growing need for Jesus through a daily realization of new sin. It’s hard to be in that place—of constant sanctification, of continually realizing that you are not good enough on your own; that you desperately need a Savior. But now at the end of what seemed like life’s dreariest spiritual tunnel, I see that it was/is the very best place to be. To be so pathetic and insatiable on a daily basis is good for my heart; it produces with me both gratitude and humility. I need that 24/7. 

That first paragraph up there was written before the shootings of this morning occurred.  Anything that I type now seems utterly worthless. In fact, I’m not sure of how to respond. I just know I felt led to write something.  But…what? What do you say to those families who lost their precious children? Or to those families of the teachers who died for the protection of little lives? How do I respond to this random, heinous crime? I honestly don’t know. When I first read the article, I felt angry at the gunman, and glad he died. I felt unsafe. I felt broken-hearted. And I cried.  I fell apart. Immediately, I grabbed Shiloh, held her in my arms, and cried into her soft black fur. That may seem strange, but she was the only warm-blooded creature nearby, and it was oddly comforting. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried to think of a productive chore to keep me busy, but all I’ve been able to do since hearing the news is sit on my couch and cry. Surprisingly, the most overwhelming emotion of the day has not been bitterness or sorrow. Yes, I am devastated for the families of those lost. But more than anything, I am thankful. Not thankful this happened. Not thankful our nation had to endure yet another tragedy. Not thankful that lives were lost. That would be cruel and senseless of me. But because of this event, my heart wells up with gratitude for the love I’ve been surrounded with. I’m thankful…

For a Daddy who always, without fail, points me to Christ; who loves me unconditionally, and is never too proud to hold me in his arms and tell me, “Everything will be OK”.  I’m thankful for this man, whose heart breaks a little bit more with every new step towards the heart of God. And through whom the experienced presence of God is more evident every time I see him. 

For a Mother, who faithfully serves and loves her family, and with whom I can talk at any hour about any topic. And through whom I have observed the most apparent example of tender mercies. She has shown me how to love people authentically, and organically. And, now that I a wife, I have resolved that she has been my best model of what it looks like to honor the Lord as both a woman and a wife. 

For a big sister, who always exceeded my expectations of a sister; who exemplifies motherhood in a radical, beautiful way, and who is never too old to let me call her “Sissy”.

For a big brother, who is truly the brother I never thought I would receive, who shares my sense of humor, and loves to make people smile. He cares for his family in the most genuinely selfless way.

For a wonderful namesake niece, who’s smile can brighten anyone’s day, and who’s laughter is contagious. She is not merely a ray of sunshine, she IS sunshine.

For a niece or nephew to come…who will most assuredly sweeten our little clan.

For a Grandmother, who generously gave to her family for years, never asking for anything but love. She fought to protect and serve her family with kindness, wisdom and honor. Plus, she just knew how to make me laugh.

For a Rogie, who left a legacy of lovely, creative, spunky people. She loved her family well, especially through heartache, and yet daily proclaimed,” The Lord is in control”. 

For the generations of aunts, uncles, and cousins, who have lovingly shown me the value of sacrificially loving your family--whatever the cost, whatever the season. 

For a new family, who I am excited to learn how to love. And by whom I already feel immeasurably blessed and welcomed. 

For a husband, who patiently deals with my sin, loves me through it, and pushes me to know Christ in a rich way. He seeks to love me more furiously, and make me feel valued, like no one else has apart from Christ. Being in this marriage with him as given me a clearer picture of the Lord’s fierce and unending love. 

Finally, for a Father, who is FAITHFUL even when I am faithless. For this Savior who relentlessly

pursues my stubborn, unwilling heart daily. For his abounding love, and patience. For his coming as an innocent, tiny, seemingly helpless child to save a people for himself.

Though I cannot understand what those mourning may feel, I know how I am to respond: in tear-full thanksgiving.

It is humbling that the God of the Universe loves us each enough to remind us to be thankful.  It makes me want to hug the ones I love a little bit longer, and to spend more time telling them why I love them.

So, if you’re reading this, know that you are loved. The God of Creation loved you enough to sacrifice his only Son. Isn’t it reassuring to know that, when we have no possible way of understanding, He can empathize with these hurting people?

“Give thanks to the Lord…for he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things”-Psalm 107:9

“You keep track of all my sorrows…You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book”- Ps. 56:8