Motherhood, so far...

 To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore.  Jude 24-25

We live in a broken, fallen world. Every day, I wake up and struggle with that. As a wife and mother, most days I wrestle with feeling overwhelmed by my daily tasks. Sleep doesn’t feel restful, because there is too much to be done, and when I actually close my eyes it seems brief.

10 months ago, I became a mommy. It was—apart from marriage—the most sobering transition I’ve faced so far. I carried this tiny baby in my womb, and suddenly, she’s out in the world and we are magically parents. Did this mean I would know how to meet her needs? Not necessarily. I had to figure it out. I’ve always found it comical that you are allowed to take the baby home a few days post-birth. Like I’m supposed to know how to care for a tiny little human?!:)

This entire [almost] year of my daughter’s life has been a whirlwind. I have loved every minute—even the messy, disorganized, smelly ones. But, some days, admittedly, I feel like I am barely surviving…barely hanging on by the thread of my last cup of [insert caffeine-infused drink here].  A few days ago, upon my recent realization of this, I cried out to the Lord,

Father, I want to do this well. Show me. I don’t want to feel drained of energy constantly, and discouraged because I’m not giving my best to you and my family. Help.

This past month I have felt weighed down by exhaustion. It seems that sleep, exercise, water, clean eating, etc. doesn’t change that. I have felt drowned by fatigue, which spirals into discouragement because nothing seems to work. Have you been there?

In a [rare] quiet moment this morning, He whispered,

I am here. I am for you. I love you. I am holding you. In every season, in every transition, whatever the circumstance, I do not change. Embrace my fearless love. Rest in my unchanging ways. Cling to me as your hope. And remember that in everything, I am God. I am in control. You are not meant to merely survive. Run to me each morning. Lay your burdens on me; I can handle it. In doing that, you will flourish.

Beloved friends, do not lose heart! Wherever you are this morning, however you feel, whatever you face, stop and take a moment to meditate on His radical love. Repeat the words above to your heart. Yes, staying at home seems daunting for me sometimes, but that in itself is beautiful! It compels me to come flat on my face before the Throne of Grace every morning.  God has created me for these people and this purpose. The end result: HIS GLORY. I will reflect HIS IMAGE!

Other helpful avenues of encouragement:

1.      1.  Seek out community. God has not called you to live out this purpose alone. Find a friend or a group of friends to walk alongside and pray with you. It helps, I promise. Plus, you’ll meet some totally awesome people. God has blessed my family with some wonderful friends who have become like family through our church and Bible study group! Man, I sure am thankful. Because of them, I feel a little LESS crazy :)

2.      2.  Pray. By yourself. With another woman. Both. You will be reminded of what God is doing and how to continue praying to that end. Plus, you’ll become more aware of your daily need for Him.

3.    3.    Memorize the Word. Find a passage to claim over this situation and know. Chew on it daily until it is burned in your mind. That way, when the Enemy tries to attack, you can fight him with your personal promise from the Lord.

4.      4.  Pour out. For me personally, when the hard days come, I ask the Lord for opportunities to serve Him—whether through checking in on a friend, writing a note, making a care package for someone, etc. I’m learning there are many ways to creatively love people even when you’re tied down by an infant schedule. J Psalm 126:6 promises that God will bless us when we pour out on the dark days.

5.      5.  Be vulnerable. Share your struggles. The more open and honest you are with others about how you have been challenged, the more opportunities you have to share about what God has done! You’ll be surprised to learn that you’re not alone.

What about you? What is your calling today? In this season of life? Who are your “people”? What is your burden? Surrender it to the Father.

He is more than able to keep you from falling…

Back to the Future: A Letter to Myself

Since today is the day Marty McFly entered when he ventured into the future, I have decided it is only fitting to write a letter to my future self. Here goes nothin':

,Dear Susanna,

As you[your past self] write this, your 5 month-old firstborn is sleeping peacefully in the next room. She is beautiful, hilarious, and her personality blossoms more each day. You have loved nurturing her creativity and praying for her heart.

But now that you[future Susanna] are reading this, she is growing up.

And so, since I am feeling the effects of this whirlwind we call life, I am writing this as an effort to help you cherish every season. If you feel offended, just stop, take a breath, and remember I have your best interest at heart.

1. When she's a babe:
 Gosh, I am literally in the thick of this[I have proof encrusted on my tank top]. If you could remember anything about this season, it would be to live in the moment. It seems that every month she changes. The first few months are the most chaotic--she eats constantly, or cries, or poops-- but then, as if overnight, she changes. Her eyes start to open more, and she begins to recognize your face. She isn't content to merely lay on you anymore, she wants to jump, roll, or crawl, or--eeek--walk! Month-by-month she becomes a little less infantile and more like a tiny human. You have been entrusted with her. Remember that God chose you to be her mom. No one else can love her the way you do. And when she sleepily lays her soft, fuzzy head on your chest at night, leave her, and remember the moments are few-and-far-between.

2. Toddler-hood: Hm, since I haven't actually experienced this yet, I don't have any wisdom. But I can tell you(based on what my other mommy friends have said) that it will be tough. She will learn the word, "no", and she will randomly throw fits in the worst, most inconvenient places. You will potty-train. And she might fight it. She will demand your attention constantly, and you will feel emotionally drained at times. You may even be pregnant when you're undergoing all of this. Even then, don't miss a moment. In the most frustrating days, when it feels like you'll never have an adult conversation or look like you even resemble a real person, remember she's watching you. She is looking to you to model godliness--not to have your life together. If you yell, apologize. If she is wrong, point her to Jesus and pray for her little spirit to be broken before Him. Extend grace. Pray for energy to love your husband first, even on the most tedious of days, and show your daughter how much you adore him. Write down the sweet moments--when she tells you you're her best friend, or wants to play with you only. Affirm her daily. Her little eyes are on you, "Momma".

3. Preschool/Kindergarten/Elementary: Well, You can at least remember how you felt when you were  this age. It was the season when you didn't want boobs, and you still loved the playground. Puberty hadn't struck yet, so you weren't insecure. You were care-free, sort of. Little girls can be so caddy, so you can remember having your feelings hurt on several occasions. But you were also the perpetrator at times, so there were often opportunities to grow. You felt secure because you knew how deeply your parents loved each other. This is when you started asking questions. You wanted answers for everything. Who is God? Why can I trust Him? How was I made? Remember to make your daughter feel safe. Love her father openly, and continue to affirm her. Tell her you love her and are proud of her, even when she makes mistakes. Pray with and for her. Study God's word with her. Don't be afraid to dialogue with her about anything(within some boundaries, obiously). She's curious and she is looking to you for wisdom. Puberty is coming, and she needs a firm foundation upon which to stand. Continue to lead her to the cross of Christ.

4. Ah, Puberty, an Unwelcome Visitor:
So far, you have survived  some seriously tough, yet indescribably joyful, seasons. But nothing could prepare you for this one. At this age[even before, really], you were "boy crazy". And you were a little more than awkward. You were homeschooled[primarily so you could pursue theatre] and your close friends[mostly] lived at least 30 miles away. It was a strange season. Everything made you feel insecure. You cried over the tiniest "problems"[why won't X talk to me?] and you journaled like you were on a deadline. Sometimes you even hid your journal so that Dad wouldn't find it. You had a new "crush" every other month, and a corresponding song paired with it. Of course, you didn't develop physically as quickly as others in your age-group did, so you felt excluded and "uncool". Boys did not talk to you, or find you attractive. And the ones who did were never the ones you liked. So, you felt stuck; like you couldn't catch a break. For the first time, you cared about your physical appearance. You never felt  beautiful. And you got pimples[yuck]. Remember those raw emotions. Even when your daughter breaks your heart with unkind words or actions, pursue her in love. Continue to love her father--even when any outward display of affection makes her "want to puke"-- and remember that in doing so, you are creating a peaceful home-life. Keep talking. When she shuts you out--both emotionally and physically["I can't stand you!"--slams door] remind her of God's love. Ask questions, but don't condemn, and spend quality time with only her--even when other littles' needs may be more obviously met. Remember she still needs you, and she fights to feel accepted, loved and valued everyday. Pray, pray, pray. Trust that when you can't seem to get through to her, the Father is working mightily.

5. Teenage Years:
You were not really a difficult teenager, according to your parents. You never struggled with drugs, sex, or anything physically destructive. But you were highly emotional. You still struggled to find your identity in Christ alone. But your gracious, wise parents knew this. And they loved you well. They--being on the other side of things--realized what potential you had in Christ, and they nurtured that. You dad, in particular, furiously fought to love you. You and your father weren't as close as you had been before, and you would say and do disrespectful things that [I'm sure] hurt his heart. But he continued to invest in your relationship. Amidst providing for the family, leading a congregation[crazy-fun group of teens included], pouring into the lives of many, leading his wife, he found time to pursue you. He planned special outings for you, and he wasn't afraid to discuss heavy topics with you. If resolving conflict meant forfeiting sleep, he did. He was there for every performance, every ceremony, every mission trip, every life decision[college, or not?] every shopping outing[to make sure the clothes were modest and God-honoring], and you loved him for it. You just didn't express it the way you could have. When your daughter is on the brink of adulthood, remember that she still needs you. Love her unconditionally, and show her the hero who is her father. Help her understand that you both want the very best for her, and cultivate her gifts. Pray that God continues to show her who she can be when her heart is fully surrendered to Him. Pray for contentment, peace, wisdom, and that she would find her identity in Christ alone.

6. College.
You grew so much in college. Your heart was broken, you learned how to live on your own and make big life decisions, and you fell flat on your face many times. You had some emotionally and spiritually dry seasons, and you learned what it means to be rooted in Christ. Remember those experiences. When your daughter is out of the home, remember that she is still your little girl. Give her grace when she makes mistakes, and lovingly exhort her when she comes to you in sin. When she tells you how she feels you have failed her, breathe, and remember you did the same. Then, when she weepily apologizes, forgive her willingly. Provide for her financially, but teach her how to plan a budget. Teach her the value of hard work and discipline. Spend time with her. Though she seems fiercely independent[which is what you prayed into her life], she still needs time with you. She needs to feel like she can communicate openly without your judgment and with your wise counsel. Rejoice when she succeeds. Be present for every occasion. Continue to point her towards the Gospel, knowing and praying that God is shaping her into a woman after His own heart.

7. Marriage.
If God should call your sweet girl into marriage, rejoice! God-willing, she has married a man who is worthy of her love; who will love her tenderly, yet lead her wisely. A man who loves the Father more than himself, and who promises to lead her by laying down his life. Remember how scared you felt? It was all so unknown to you. First, you came home one summer, unsure of how you wanted to move forward with her father, and then, almost a year to the day, you married him! That must have happened too quickly for your parents. They might have wondered what in the world you were thinking. But, they quietly and patiently trusted the Father. Remember how determined you were. The time for marriage was immediate; there was no waiting. No one could have changed your mind. And, of course, remember how you were "gaga" in love with her dad(still are!). Meet with her future husband, get to know him, discern that he is an honorable, godly man. If they believe God is leading, support them. If it seems too soon, breathe, and trust His plan. When she calls you to discuss their first fight, don't entertain the discussion. Charge her to go to her husband. Be for their marriage. Pray for and with them faithfully. Encourage her husband, and realize that he is different than your daughter. He may not feel loved the way she does. He may not respond the way she does. But know that he needs your support. Always--even though you  may not want to--allow them time to resolve conflict. Do not interfere with their plans. If they live far away, be gracious and patient. Make your daughter feel loved, and that you  miss her, but trust the plans that she and her husband make. If she hurts your feelings, lovingly point that out. And remember, the relationship between in-laws is fragile. Remember how different that relationship was for you.  When your daughter comes to you complaining of how she has been hurt by her husband, take no sides. She did not just marry a sinner, she is one. She, too, will make mistakes. Try your hardest to affirm the marriage. If you feel conflict must be addressed with her husband, do it respectfully, and in private. Love them enough to give them space, and don't harbor unrealistic expectations. I know it may be easy for you to begin taking care of her when you visit, but let her husband do that. Micromanaging is not your job anymore. You have done your very best before God and now she is under the spiritual headship of the man to whom she was given.



8. Parenthood:
Well, now you are a grandmother. Geeze, this all happening WAY too fast!
Another season where your little girl desperately needs her mom. She will feel scared, insecure, uncertain, anxious, etc. Everything will feel so foreign to her. Remember that? Remember how everyone felt the need to share their story with you once they  heard of your pregnancy? Remember how informative the internet was? And the decisions. So many choices! Everyone had an opinion and nothing you decided ever seemed right! Again, I implore you to encourage your daughter. Honestly share your decisions, and stories, but never pressure her. She is her own woman now, and you are her support. She needs your love, your care and your wisdom. Let her come to you with questions. If you can, be present when she requests you. Make every effort to build her marriage up, and to support her journey through "Mommyland". Willingly care for her new bundle of joy. Do the laundry. Clean the house. Keep the baby so she and her husband can reconnect. Serve joyfully. Verbally affirm her and remind her to rest in Jesus' strength. She is learning as she goes, and she won't have everything under control 24/7, but if she knows you support she and her husband wholeheartedly, and that you are daily lifting her with the Father, she will feel secure.


And please, my dear friend, in each and every season, remember to give thanks in every small victory of life(be it successful potty-training, a modest prom dress or college admission) for the blessings abound.

Love,

Sus

When My Arm Falls Asleep...

I miss my husband more than usual today. Well, that's not true. I always miss my husband like crazy when he's gone. But today, as I was laying there at 5:49 AM, I could not help but stare at the ceiling. My arm was numb, my back was aching and I was feeling slightly trippy woozie from my allergy medicine. But somehow I was, as Katy sings, "wide awake"(you better believe that song was stuck in my head...lovely). And I was not a fan. I don't really do early mornings, and the adjustment to Tyler's schedule has been hard, but so good for both of us.  On top of that, I never thought that I would need to depend on someone else to be able to" fall asleep. Without Tyler Walden, though, it is a struggle! As my friend Clare would say, "major struggs"! :) The positive about mornings, though, is that I actually get to be quiet. The dog isn't whining, the construction workers outside haven't started, and I'm pretty sure the rest of the residents in the complex are sleeping. Though early, it is a sweet time for me to be quiet before Jesus. Naturally, that isn't easy with the busy structure of our society...especially in California. It seems like everyone is on the go to fulfill their day's personal agenda.  I would be lying if I said my mind didn't wander. I think about the needs of our new puppy, Shiloh. I wonder if it's normal that she's still having runny poops(sorry if that was too informative, but it is a genuine concern!), or that she urinates every 5 minutes. I take some time to miss my wonderful family. I think about Tyler at work. Did he get enough rest? Did he get all of his assignments taken care of as he had hoped? Yes, my mind goes all over the place. But the sweetest moments in those early hours are when the Lord focuses my heart and my mind. In the midst of one of my mental random rabbit trails a few years back, it dawned on me that I could talk to the Lord about them. I, personally, am always talking to something or someone, if not myself. I realize that probably isn't normal. But if you're reading my blog, then the chances are that you know me, and you know how crazy I am sometimes most of the time. I am OK with that. (: It has been so satisfying to spend my mornings conversing with the Father who perfectly meets my needs, even if the current need is just a little,seemingly meaningless conversation. He loves me that much.

I wish I could say that I loved Shiloh with that perfect kind of love. I wish I was just bubbling over to meet  her needs, and more importantly, my husband's needs. I laugh now as I mentally stream today's events. At 5:45 I awoke.
From 5:45-7:45- Checked some social networking sites(I admit, ashamedly, they are part of the morning routine) and laid there in silence with Jesus.
At 8: I got out of bed, walked Shiloh, fed Shiloh, and walked her again.
At 8:30: I went back upstairs, suffered a failed attempt at sleep, enjoyed Christmas at Downton Abbey.
At 10:30: I rolled out of bed, showered and walked Shiloh again. It has been a lazy day!We haven't found a church home yet(please keep praying) and going without my husband is hard for me. But I think I'm going to try one out at 4:30 pm today!
Since then, I have been reading/uploading pictures accompanied by a Spice Candle and the Gungor Pandora station.By 12:30, Shiloh had urinated in the house all of 7 times. This is not usual for her. And I did not enjoy cleaning up after her every single time. In fact, I recall complaining. She needed me just the way I needed the Lord this morning, and I did not patiently, perfectly meet her needs as He did mine. I did not joyfully wipe her urine. Nor did I happily walk her in the cold morning air. All she needed was for me to clean up after her and spend a few minutes with her outside, including an occasional play session with her toy duck. Boy, did I fail!Did I ever think the Lord would show me his love through our puppy? No! Don't we serve a creative God?

This never gets old.


OH by the way, if you haven't yet seen Shiloh, here she is:

 9 weeks old

Peaceful

My sweet grandmother, Rogie(Mary Turner Rogers) passed away last night in her sleep. When I found out, I wasn't sure how I felt. For the first few minutes, I merely sat on my bed and let the tears fall. It was a quiet mourning for the three of us: Mom,Sissy and me. We held each other closely and just wept. Thankfully, Anna Lyn was there to make us smile. With every tear that fell she provided a warm, "Good morning, Gigi" or a happy giggle. It really is a joy to have a baby nearby when someone you love dies. It's like the Lord knew that we would need her bright, teethy grin and her funny personality for such a time as this.

It is difficult to express what I feel at this very moment. Sad, of course, because our precious,saintly Rogie has left us. Thankful, because I got to say goodbye. But I think the strongest emotion lingering is relief. Rogie had been through numerous trials in her life. She was hospitalized many times, and came close to death more than once. She lost her soulmate as a middle-aged woman, with three children to put through college. Add to that her daily fight to live as a godly guidance counselor and teacher during a time when loving people of a different race was considered rebellious. Through the grace of God, Rogie stood for righteousness and it wasn't easy, particularly then. She survived her siblings nad many close friends. And in the last years of her life, her speech and limbs were impaired by Parkinson's disease. For the first time, Rogie could not communicate and move as she was accustomed. It was probably frustrating and discouraging at times. Rogie knew pain. She felt it, tasted it and faced it daily. But she kept pressing through it. Every time I visited, she had something new to tell me about Jesus, and I almost always caught her singing hymns of praise to Him or spending time with Him in the Word. She exemplified a Saviour who provides, is mighty to save and is quick in compassion and love. Always after our time together, I was left wondering why her beloved Saviour hadn't taken her home yet. Today I understand: we needed her. The Lord knew her life would push us into a more intimate relationship with him. And we needed her example of kindess, mercy, and perseverance to remember the way the Lord loves us; to remind us of the ultimate blessing that is having a personal relationship with the true Lover of our souls, the only One who can satisfy. Rogie knew, through all of the pain and suffering, that her hope was Christ. And we saw that in every twinkle of her eyes, felt it in every kiss and hug, and heard it in the gentleness of her voice. So why am I relieved?Because today she embraced her husband, long-lost siblings and friends. Today she is dancing with her Father. Peacefully, in no pain and the sweetness of sleep, she entered into the presence of God and heard the words, "Well done, my good and faitfhul servant".

Even now, it is hard to contain tears as I write. But, because our God is so holy, he can enjoy welcoming Rogie into his kingdom while also comforting those who survived her. In every tear that traces my cheek I am forced to remember Psalm 56:8-

You have kept count of my tossings. Put my tears in your bottle...

The Lord knows how hard this is for those left behind. But I can't help but think of the joy Rogie now feels that she is finally forever praising the Lord in a glorified form! Just think, right now she is probably singing something like this:

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!

Psalm 56:7-11

We love you, Rogie. And we are forever changed because of you.

No News is Good News?

In case you were wondering(which I'm sure you were), NO SWEET PEA YET! :( Isn't that frustrating? My entire family: Mom, Dad, Will and myself are all watching Mommy-to-be like a hawk. She is, as my father so eloquently put it, "a ticking time bomb". I've heard that first babies usually take their sweet time in arriving, but I never realized Baby Sweet Pea would be the type! My father and my Uncle Neal say that it's a girl because, "she's already late". Dad said laughingly, "I've been waiting on the Agnew women my entire life!". In my heart, I still believe that it's a boy. But, I'm probably wrong. My sister jokes: "Well, it's either one or the other!". At this point she's just ready for Sweet Pea to be here. I can prayerfully say that Sweet Pea will be here before the new year. You may scoff, but there are a few days left! :)
All of this baby talk has me thinking. I know: surprise, surprise!I realized the other day that we're so anxious because we're thrilled that he/she is coming! When I say anxious, I don't mean that we're fearful or worried about the process. That's definitely not the case. We do believe in a Sovereign God who will work everything out in HIS time. If anyone has displayed that, it's been my sister. She's been patient and kind; serene even. I admire her for that. I think I'd be in tears just about every day the baby was late if it was mine.We're just so READY. The nursery is decorated: bouncer, mobile and crib in place. The pacifiers are sanitized, the bottles and burping cloths are by the sink. Every children's book is on the little white book shelf and every frame is hung neatly on the wall. Everytime I walk into the room I get chills. I'm endlessly amazed at the whole process.My heart still jumps at the thought of becoming an aunt. As I was meditating on this the other day, I felt soundly convicted. Why doesn't my heart always jump when I think of spending an eternity with the God of the Universe? Why am I not constantly preparing His return? The Apostle Paul was clearly enthralled:
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ
and be found in him...
(Phil. 3:7-9a)
Evidently, Paul wanted nothing more than to know Christ. Gosh, I wish I was like that. I say that I want to know Christ, but I allow myself to become distracted by the things and people of this world. Those things don't matter, Sus. Paul was ENGROSSED with the Gospel. He lived and loved it. It was the core of his existence and he recognized that. He continues in verse 12:

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

Paul had that future hope. I suppose that's the only authentic hope that exists. Hope implies anticipation and expectation. Paul's hope was consistent and confident. So, I hope for Sweet Pea, because I know he/she is coming. Shouldn't I all the more hope in the glorious return of the Father to bring his beloved home?

I'm telling you: hope has been the theme of my semester. It's only now beginning to make sense. I feel so small, and yet SO thankful.

Learning to love,

Sus

PS: I will keep y'all updated on Sweet Pea news; don't worry!