Ch-Ch-Changes

I realized the other day that it has been over a year since I last posted here. It's not like I think anyone reads this(although I hope they do). I just write as a stress outlet. You'd think I could journal or something. Heh, I do. About 3 or 4 pages everyday. There is just something about writing here--with that small blinking hope that someone reads this silliness--that attracts me. So, here I am, writing my worries away! Worries? No, I don't really have those. I mean, I suppose everyone has something that divides their attention. Honestly, my biggest care in THIS moment is the sad truth that I haven't managed to update in so long when my life has changed drastically. There are definitely things happening in the bigger picture, but in this moment, I am stuck in the slush of embarrassment. shame on me for avoiding the blog world! I had no time to write...and then I just chose not to write forgot. I mentioned changes a few lines up. They are happening FAST! I'll just make a quick timeline to keep y'all informed on the latest and greatest news: December 30, 2010- Susanna(yes, she is named after me!) Gwendolyn Stanford makes me Aunt Sus! She is, naturally, now a little over 17 months, and making my life sweeter than ever! I love that little Scoot. Spring 2011- CRAZY semester at VSU--in 4 shows simultaneously: Pride and Prejudice, The Enchanted Mirrors, Cabaret and Sleeping Beauty, the Ballet. Yes, that's right, I was a Bennet sister, a foreign princess, a court person and a scholarship Fund-Raiser! (: It was pretty eventful, and one of the best semesters I spent at VSU. Summer 2011- I attend the Summer Training Program with the Navigators( heh, I intended to blog there...but found NO time). I led a Bible study with 3 amazing ladies, worked at Dollywood and...met the man I am going to marry on August 18th, 2012! Fall 2012- SENIOR YEAR at VSU! Nothing too crazy happened. I focused on school, friends, family and ministry. Oh, and falling in love... :) Spring 2012-I moved 3 different times, was in 4 shows, and I took 19 hours--talk about the hardest semester of my life... But it was also one of the best! By God's grace, I got my degree! Summer 2012- Ah, here we are. The present. Well, I am home. I received an offer to go on tour with MCT again(oh, those sweet children!!!) BUT chose to stay home when Navy Man proposed on the set of State Fair in March. He is currently in Virginia training, and I am here at home, interning at Perry Presbyterian Church and planning my wedding. Navy Man and I are moving to San Diego(where he will be stationed) shortly after our wedding day(did I mention that is August 18th?!). Phew. That was exhausting. And now I MUST rest my eyes for a few minutes hours. We've had VBS this week and Baby(as I refer to myself...) is pooped. :) Thanks for reading today's blahblahblah business.

Patient Pursuit

Fall semester is surprisingly the hardest of the two. Well, I suppose that's not much of a surprise. As a student, you're returning to the tedious reality of tests, quizzes, late-night cram sessions and extra-curriculars. For me, this means theatre, theatre and MORE theatre. I'm finding odd jobs to add to my resume(like House Manging and helping with stage makeup) while juggling rehearsals and in-class assignments(like memorizing/performing a monologue which include LOTS of pre-performance paperwork). It is enjoyable, however also extremely overwhelming. This past week, I realized that I say "yes" entirely too much. I hate to let people down, therefore I try to be "that girl" who always says, "Of course I can!" or "Sure, I can do that.No problem". Honestly, I prefer the chaos. I can't really explain why. The logic escapes even me. I think I just hate boredom or any kind of free time because I feel like I'm not productive if I have too much time on my hands. It seems safe enough, right? WRONG. It's actually severely dangerous. I thought I could manage such a busy schedule, complete with meetings and rehearsals, but I was sorely wrong. I became so busy(in merely a week) that any free time I had was spent sleeping or doing homework. I was exhausted. My exhaustion became a catalyst for laziness. I wasn't spending time with Jesus. Ultimately, I wasn't resting. I don't exactly know what it means to rest.
I finally sat down at my kitchen table and opened my Bible. Did the Lord scold me in disappointment? No. Did He litter my heart with heavy sighs? No. Instead, he led me to Job 11:13:
"Yet, if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him..."
Immediately my eyes changed "heart" to "time".I felt...relieved,convicted, broken...and peaceful. The Lord was waiting for me to devote my time to him with open arms.I was making myself available for everyone else but not for the One who deserves ALL of my availability. And yet He waited. He always waits; determined to demand my attention.

The Puritans wrote it best:
"Yet thou hast laid help on One that is mighty, for there is mercy with thee, and exceeding riches in thy kindness through Jesus. May I always feel my need of him. Let thy restored joy be my strength..."(Kept By God)

Even though I neglected Him tremendously last week, He still loves me enduringly.He still draws me to himself and reminds me(particularly in the loudest,busiest moments) that I am His. I'm so thankful.

Sus

Missing Love

It truly has been far too long since my last entry. Life has been hectic. I have rehearsals in the afternoon and now at night since I'm helping with the makeup for a show. Plus, I have many extra-curricular activities to juggle alongside classwork.Breathing is a luxury. I was able to escape to the beach this past weekend for a retreat with some close friends. It was awesome and MUCH needed. BUT...now its Monday night and homework looms. I awoke from a mini panic attack this morning. I'm the kind of person who worries in her sleep. I imagine that can't be healthy, but its honestly the way I was wired. I think about things. I knead thoughts left and right in my mind for endless hours. When I'm thinking this way, sleep doesn't come easily. In fact, it rarely comes at all. So, as I was lying there groggily contemplating what feels like the busiest week of my life, I was reminded of the Lord's love. In my spare time( ha, what a joke) I've been enjoying Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love(I know, I know you're thinking, Sus, WHAT?! You're just NOW reading that book?) For those of you who, like me are late fanatics,the book is the story of the Prophet Hosea in the Bible. Basically, the Lord commands Hosea to pursue a prostitute relentlessly to exemplify God's grace and mercy towards his bride. Its a beautiful story. In the book, one character--Mr. Michael Hosea-- pursues a prostitue named Angel. Hilariously enough, Angel's name depicts the exact opposite of who she is. She is wounded and bitter; definitely hard to love.And yet, He pursues her graciously and unconditionally--much like the way our Father loves us.
At one point, he looks at the stubborn,wild-hearted Angel and says,

"I've loved watching you grow and change. You're never the same. I love the way you take on new things, your drive to learn. I love how you work, how you have this little-girl look on your face when you finish something you've never tried before. I love watching you skip across the meadow. I love seeing you laugh...and hang on to wisdom. I've loved giving you pleasure. I loved feeling you melt. I loved hearing you say my name. LOVE cleanses, beloved. It doesn't beat you down. It doesn't cast blame. My love isn't a weapon. Its a lifeline. Reach out and take hold, and don't let go."

Combine this quote with Isaiah 30:18:
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for him!"

As soon as I dragged myself out of bed and read this verse, I realized how foolish my anxiety was. I am LOVED. The Lord has been trying to remind me of that--particuarly lately--but I've missed the love. I've been consumed with thoughts of anxious fear and unnecessary stress. Yes, I have a busy schedule, but that doesn't liscense an anxious response. The Lord LOVES me! He "rises to show [me] compassion"!And I have the nerve to worry about the chaos in my life. The Lord is pursuing me the way Michael Hosea pursues Angel...but WAY better.Hosea's quote above is a small description of the Lord's love for his beloved bride.Everything begins and ends with HIS perfect, unfading love. Hm, the thought of anything else pales in comparison.Instead of constantly bemoaning the tasks at hand, do them and focus your energy on this love. Let this love supply your zealous energy for the day. Chew on that the next time you start moping about your "busy day", Susanna.