At Your Own Risk

I am not a real blogger. Or a real writer. I mostly just write to process --> thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. This is why I only share when I deem absolutely necessary. Most of my ramblings stay tucked comfortably away in my journal.They like it there. It is a safe space with flowers, delicious food with Gilmore Girls playing on repeat....

 But this day---like the rest of humanity---I felt compelled to share. 

Today we elect our nation's next president. I realize this decision holds a lot of weight. There's a lot at stake. And no, I am not going to reveal who in particular I chose...because...well, it's my right and none of your business. 

I have seen a variety of posts on social media. Seemingly everyone's opinion is laid bare before the judicial courts of [insert social media platform here]. Some quote scripture. Some berate their opposing party. Some claim hopelessness and doubt about the future of our nation. 

This afternoon I finally had a chance to sit down and consider reality. Sometimes I don't get the opportunity to really think until Little Miss Rosebud goes down for her afternoon nap. (We're usually too preoccupied with dress up parties and tupperware towers to do otherwise---a distraction I totally appreciated on a day like today). I thumbed through my Bible and landed on Isaiah 26. Initially because I've been a tad bit fearful of today's outcome. I mean, what does the future hold for our kiddos? How bad is it really going to be? The questions are an endless cycle of insanity!

BUT

 Today's verses popped out of the page. 

The path of the righteous is level; you make level the way of the righteous. In the path of your judgments, O Lord, we wait for you; your name and your remembrance are the desire of our soul. My soul yearns for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you...

For when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness, he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the Lord.

(vs. 7-10)

Here's what I know: 

Sadly, our nation is no longer "under God". The name of God is mocked. Daily(yet subtly) our nation threatens to squelch any mention or worship of the One to whom we owe our lives. God is not honored. He is a punchline; a cruel "man upstairs" who seems to ruin everything. Lives that He created are being "terminated" because they aren't considered worthy of even a breath outside the womb. Marriage is redefined. "Life" is whatever you want it to be. 

And here's something else:

God is still GOD. He cannot be squandered, and He is limitless (Psalm 113:4-6). We cannot fathom His plan. But life--this one on earth and  in eternity, for that matter--is not about "me" or "we". He is--and forever shall be--the sole focus, no matter what, whatever/whomever tries to push Him out. And the Gospel--God's amazing story of redemption for the purpose of HIS glory--must advance. Sometimes the only way that can happen is through utter destruction and pain. The point today is not that we elect our person into office(even though you SHOULD NOT neglect your right to do so), but that God be honored and HIS message moves forward.

So today, instead of praying for mercy, or for things to lean my way, I will pray for that. However it needs to happen, our nation must see God, and "learn righteousness". Yes, there are moments when the fear feels unbearable, but today with a peaceful heart, I am trusting God's hand. I am claiming that He will accomplish His divine plan with our nation, and that in the end He will be honored.

May we all stand faithful in light of His promise:

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

Even so, come. Lord Jesus, come. 

Motherhood, so far...

 To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore.  Jude 24-25

We live in a broken, fallen world. Every day, I wake up and struggle with that. As a wife and mother, most days I wrestle with feeling overwhelmed by my daily tasks. Sleep doesn’t feel restful, because there is too much to be done, and when I actually close my eyes it seems brief.

10 months ago, I became a mommy. It was—apart from marriage—the most sobering transition I’ve faced so far. I carried this tiny baby in my womb, and suddenly, she’s out in the world and we are magically parents. Did this mean I would know how to meet her needs? Not necessarily. I had to figure it out. I’ve always found it comical that you are allowed to take the baby home a few days post-birth. Like I’m supposed to know how to care for a tiny little human?!:)

This entire [almost] year of my daughter’s life has been a whirlwind. I have loved every minute—even the messy, disorganized, smelly ones. But, some days, admittedly, I feel like I am barely surviving…barely hanging on by the thread of my last cup of [insert caffeine-infused drink here].  A few days ago, upon my recent realization of this, I cried out to the Lord,

Father, I want to do this well. Show me. I don’t want to feel drained of energy constantly, and discouraged because I’m not giving my best to you and my family. Help.

This past month I have felt weighed down by exhaustion. It seems that sleep, exercise, water, clean eating, etc. doesn’t change that. I have felt drowned by fatigue, which spirals into discouragement because nothing seems to work. Have you been there?

In a [rare] quiet moment this morning, He whispered,

I am here. I am for you. I love you. I am holding you. In every season, in every transition, whatever the circumstance, I do not change. Embrace my fearless love. Rest in my unchanging ways. Cling to me as your hope. And remember that in everything, I am God. I am in control. You are not meant to merely survive. Run to me each morning. Lay your burdens on me; I can handle it. In doing that, you will flourish.

Beloved friends, do not lose heart! Wherever you are this morning, however you feel, whatever you face, stop and take a moment to meditate on His radical love. Repeat the words above to your heart. Yes, staying at home seems daunting for me sometimes, but that in itself is beautiful! It compels me to come flat on my face before the Throne of Grace every morning.  God has created me for these people and this purpose. The end result: HIS GLORY. I will reflect HIS IMAGE!

Other helpful avenues of encouragement:

1.      1.  Seek out community. God has not called you to live out this purpose alone. Find a friend or a group of friends to walk alongside and pray with you. It helps, I promise. Plus, you’ll meet some totally awesome people. God has blessed my family with some wonderful friends who have become like family through our church and Bible study group! Man, I sure am thankful. Because of them, I feel a little LESS crazy :)

2.      2.  Pray. By yourself. With another woman. Both. You will be reminded of what God is doing and how to continue praying to that end. Plus, you’ll become more aware of your daily need for Him.

3.    3.    Memorize the Word. Find a passage to claim over this situation and know. Chew on it daily until it is burned in your mind. That way, when the Enemy tries to attack, you can fight him with your personal promise from the Lord.

4.      4.  Pour out. For me personally, when the hard days come, I ask the Lord for opportunities to serve Him—whether through checking in on a friend, writing a note, making a care package for someone, etc. I’m learning there are many ways to creatively love people even when you’re tied down by an infant schedule. J Psalm 126:6 promises that God will bless us when we pour out on the dark days.

5.      5.  Be vulnerable. Share your struggles. The more open and honest you are with others about how you have been challenged, the more opportunities you have to share about what God has done! You’ll be surprised to learn that you’re not alone.

What about you? What is your calling today? In this season of life? Who are your “people”? What is your burden? Surrender it to the Father.

He is more than able to keep you from falling…

Hard Mommy Days: Musings on Mary

courtesy:  Jill Greenberg

Today would be classified as a "Hard Mommy Day". One of my first, and most assuredly not one of my last. VULNERABILITY WARNING: I'm sitting here crying over my open Bible and a glass of white wine. I am tired. So. tired. I even managed to nap today...but these dark circles under my eyes won't lie.

Daddy was gone, to begin with(can YOU guess that reference?).  That always complicates my day when there are errands involved. What could have been a highly productive day was completely sabotaged by my not-so-productive child (how dare she?!). I barely managed to make my Saturday morning coffee study(mind you, we were a whopping thirty minutes late). And Rosebud--though happy and typically quite joyful--couldn't survive very long past breakfast. It was naptime. She was tired and wanted to curl up in her warm, comfortable crib. But Mommy wanted to visit, and so we stayed, all the while rocking and swaying with a fuzzy blanket. Eventually she fell asleep and the momentary quiet came. I was thankful. I managed to make it through the first portion of my errands unscathed, but then the child stirred and my outing was thwarted. My child is phenomenally patient, though, and entertained herself well with her surroundings. But when her patience wore thin, she informed me--quite loudly, I might add. And soon, I was in the checkout line hastily rummaging through my items. We made it home and naptime ensued. Once again, my quiet came. I'm learning to lean into those moments because they're so rare.

Later, we strolled to the mall to meet up with a friend. Seems innocent enough, right? Rosebud was clean, full and happy. There were a few whiney moments spattered into our outing, but overall, she was carefree...until J. Crew. I'll have you know that store is not  stroller conducive. We got stuck several times, and I received some choice looks for even attempting to stroller shop in the store. But who says Mommy can't be fashionable? Oh, right. J. Crew. Because when you become a mom your sense of fashion flies out the window with your brain( okay, maybe I DO prefer yoga pants and a tank top, but STILL). I don't think it's intentional, because I noticed another stroller. I silently acknowledged my comrade and congratulated him for persevering through the tiny crevice that is that store. I did everything in my power to ensure the babe was content, but nothing worked. I tried to placate her with toys, but she got bored. When we began strolling around(unsuccessfully), the waterworks started.

Cue: Meltdown #1

It was deafening. And--had I not been used to the wails--I might have been embarrassed. My friend's enduring patience is a testament to who she is. When Rosebud cried incessantly in the men's section, she entertained her. When I apologized for having such a verbal, alert child, she assured me that Rosebud's motor skills are top-knotch. I'm forever grateful for friends like that.

But our efforts were wasted. The babe won. And amazingly, I felt overwhelmed with compassion on my little bean. She can't help that she's so tiny and dependent. It's not her fault she didn't come into the world as an adult. And besides, I concluded on the way home, it's nice to be needed. Our stroll back to the house was again peaceful. I laughed at the thought that 5 minutes prior, my kid was screaming. But she needs structure. She needs her bed. I was thankful for the means to provide just that.

When she slept, so did I. We didn't wake up until our tummies reminded us to eat. Since it had been a hard afternoon, I rewarded us with a trip to our favorite place: Trader Joe's. We strolled across the street to purchase dinner[and Sunday lunch]. We were both pleasantly bundled and enjoying the crisp air...and then we reached the store.

Cue: meltdown #2

We made it about halfway through my small list, when Rosebud again started to cry. Thankfully, the TJs people are about as non-judgmental as you can get, so I wasn't really shaken. But the exhaustion hit. And, I too, wanted to join my child. Almost out of nowhere, a woman approached me. She complimented my daughter and began speaking to her. Instant calm(on both fronts). Rosebud marveled at this woman. So did I. She was so kind. We talked for some time,

You're a good mommy. She's going to be better because you're with her. Don't forget that. You rest when she does. You have the rest of your life to do housework. Just love her. You're doing a great job.

I call her my Christmas Angel. She must have seen the exhaustion on my face. She must have remembered feeling that way herself. Oh, what a blessing she'll never know she was.

When we returned home, I felt thankful. I quickly fed my daughter and laid her down, then began my dinner. A few minutes into the evolution, I smelled plastic--melted plastic. I had accidentally turned on the wrong stove eye, and some of my baby's bottles were burning. By the time I got to the wreckage, they looked about as hopeful as Frosty on the 4th of July. It was pathetic.

Cue: meltdown #3

I quickly aerated the house; opening doors and windows all over. The smell left quickly. The baby was fine. But...what a mess. Oh, what a mess. I tearfully scraped the bottom of our gumbo pot, thankful it wasn't ruined.

As I write this now, shivering in my detoxed home, I can't help but remember Mary.

I am the Lord's servant.

She couldn't have known about meltdowns, right? Or about the complexities of pregnancy and delivery? And the intensity of the situation just must not have bothered her, you know?

No. She was fully aware of the context. And she had probably spent time with babies. But she still gratefully accepted her role.

I love Mary. I've always thought she was so honest. She wasn't afraid to ask Gabriel how things would play out. But when he responded with, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you..."(Luke 2:35) she questioned no further, but instead chose to trust.

I am the Lord's servant.

She said "yes" to this inconceivable, scandalous miracle. She said "yes" to the way her 14-year old body would soon change. She said "yes" to the grubby, joyful, chaotic role of motherhood; to serving unselfishly and daily dying to herself with (seemingly) little return for your labor.

She did it for her King.

Today--and everyday-- I am going to strive to be like Mary. Not because she's awesome, but because God is. He is worthy of my life---my service, my love, and my wholehearted devotion--even when my current role feels discouraging sometimes.

I am thankful for:
My servant-hearted husband( if he didn't love and serve us so well, days like this wouldn't feel so overwhelming without him). My understanding mall buddy. Naps. Compliant, smiling Trader Joe's shoppers. My Christmas Angel. A sense of smell(to catch those bottles!). My warm bed. Tonight's yummy dinner. My patient, active, joyful daughter. My opportunity to be a wife and mother.

But, most of all, I am thankful for Christ.

I am the Lord's servant whatever the day, whatever the role.

Back to the Future: A Letter to Myself

Since today is the day Marty McFly entered when he ventured into the future, I have decided it is only fitting to write a letter to my future self. Here goes nothin':

,Dear Susanna,

As you[your past self] write this, your 5 month-old firstborn is sleeping peacefully in the next room. She is beautiful, hilarious, and her personality blossoms more each day. You have loved nurturing her creativity and praying for her heart.

But now that you[future Susanna] are reading this, she is growing up.

And so, since I am feeling the effects of this whirlwind we call life, I am writing this as an effort to help you cherish every season. If you feel offended, just stop, take a breath, and remember I have your best interest at heart.

1. When she's a babe:
 Gosh, I am literally in the thick of this[I have proof encrusted on my tank top]. If you could remember anything about this season, it would be to live in the moment. It seems that every month she changes. The first few months are the most chaotic--she eats constantly, or cries, or poops-- but then, as if overnight, she changes. Her eyes start to open more, and she begins to recognize your face. She isn't content to merely lay on you anymore, she wants to jump, roll, or crawl, or--eeek--walk! Month-by-month she becomes a little less infantile and more like a tiny human. You have been entrusted with her. Remember that God chose you to be her mom. No one else can love her the way you do. And when she sleepily lays her soft, fuzzy head on your chest at night, leave her, and remember the moments are few-and-far-between.

2. Toddler-hood: Hm, since I haven't actually experienced this yet, I don't have any wisdom. But I can tell you(based on what my other mommy friends have said) that it will be tough. She will learn the word, "no", and she will randomly throw fits in the worst, most inconvenient places. You will potty-train. And she might fight it. She will demand your attention constantly, and you will feel emotionally drained at times. You may even be pregnant when you're undergoing all of this. Even then, don't miss a moment. In the most frustrating days, when it feels like you'll never have an adult conversation or look like you even resemble a real person, remember she's watching you. She is looking to you to model godliness--not to have your life together. If you yell, apologize. If she is wrong, point her to Jesus and pray for her little spirit to be broken before Him. Extend grace. Pray for energy to love your husband first, even on the most tedious of days, and show your daughter how much you adore him. Write down the sweet moments--when she tells you you're her best friend, or wants to play with you only. Affirm her daily. Her little eyes are on you, "Momma".

3. Preschool/Kindergarten/Elementary: Well, You can at least remember how you felt when you were  this age. It was the season when you didn't want boobs, and you still loved the playground. Puberty hadn't struck yet, so you weren't insecure. You were care-free, sort of. Little girls can be so caddy, so you can remember having your feelings hurt on several occasions. But you were also the perpetrator at times, so there were often opportunities to grow. You felt secure because you knew how deeply your parents loved each other. This is when you started asking questions. You wanted answers for everything. Who is God? Why can I trust Him? How was I made? Remember to make your daughter feel safe. Love her father openly, and continue to affirm her. Tell her you love her and are proud of her, even when she makes mistakes. Pray with and for her. Study God's word with her. Don't be afraid to dialogue with her about anything(within some boundaries, obiously). She's curious and she is looking to you for wisdom. Puberty is coming, and she needs a firm foundation upon which to stand. Continue to lead her to the cross of Christ.

4. Ah, Puberty, an Unwelcome Visitor:
So far, you have survived  some seriously tough, yet indescribably joyful, seasons. But nothing could prepare you for this one. At this age[even before, really], you were "boy crazy". And you were a little more than awkward. You were homeschooled[primarily so you could pursue theatre] and your close friends[mostly] lived at least 30 miles away. It was a strange season. Everything made you feel insecure. You cried over the tiniest "problems"[why won't X talk to me?] and you journaled like you were on a deadline. Sometimes you even hid your journal so that Dad wouldn't find it. You had a new "crush" every other month, and a corresponding song paired with it. Of course, you didn't develop physically as quickly as others in your age-group did, so you felt excluded and "uncool". Boys did not talk to you, or find you attractive. And the ones who did were never the ones you liked. So, you felt stuck; like you couldn't catch a break. For the first time, you cared about your physical appearance. You never felt  beautiful. And you got pimples[yuck]. Remember those raw emotions. Even when your daughter breaks your heart with unkind words or actions, pursue her in love. Continue to love her father--even when any outward display of affection makes her "want to puke"-- and remember that in doing so, you are creating a peaceful home-life. Keep talking. When she shuts you out--both emotionally and physically["I can't stand you!"--slams door] remind her of God's love. Ask questions, but don't condemn, and spend quality time with only her--even when other littles' needs may be more obviously met. Remember she still needs you, and she fights to feel accepted, loved and valued everyday. Pray, pray, pray. Trust that when you can't seem to get through to her, the Father is working mightily.

5. Teenage Years:
You were not really a difficult teenager, according to your parents. You never struggled with drugs, sex, or anything physically destructive. But you were highly emotional. You still struggled to find your identity in Christ alone. But your gracious, wise parents knew this. And they loved you well. They--being on the other side of things--realized what potential you had in Christ, and they nurtured that. You dad, in particular, furiously fought to love you. You and your father weren't as close as you had been before, and you would say and do disrespectful things that [I'm sure] hurt his heart. But he continued to invest in your relationship. Amidst providing for the family, leading a congregation[crazy-fun group of teens included], pouring into the lives of many, leading his wife, he found time to pursue you. He planned special outings for you, and he wasn't afraid to discuss heavy topics with you. If resolving conflict meant forfeiting sleep, he did. He was there for every performance, every ceremony, every mission trip, every life decision[college, or not?] every shopping outing[to make sure the clothes were modest and God-honoring], and you loved him for it. You just didn't express it the way you could have. When your daughter is on the brink of adulthood, remember that she still needs you. Love her unconditionally, and show her the hero who is her father. Help her understand that you both want the very best for her, and cultivate her gifts. Pray that God continues to show her who she can be when her heart is fully surrendered to Him. Pray for contentment, peace, wisdom, and that she would find her identity in Christ alone.

6. College.
You grew so much in college. Your heart was broken, you learned how to live on your own and make big life decisions, and you fell flat on your face many times. You had some emotionally and spiritually dry seasons, and you learned what it means to be rooted in Christ. Remember those experiences. When your daughter is out of the home, remember that she is still your little girl. Give her grace when she makes mistakes, and lovingly exhort her when she comes to you in sin. When she tells you how she feels you have failed her, breathe, and remember you did the same. Then, when she weepily apologizes, forgive her willingly. Provide for her financially, but teach her how to plan a budget. Teach her the value of hard work and discipline. Spend time with her. Though she seems fiercely independent[which is what you prayed into her life], she still needs time with you. She needs to feel like she can communicate openly without your judgment and with your wise counsel. Rejoice when she succeeds. Be present for every occasion. Continue to point her towards the Gospel, knowing and praying that God is shaping her into a woman after His own heart.

7. Marriage.
If God should call your sweet girl into marriage, rejoice! God-willing, she has married a man who is worthy of her love; who will love her tenderly, yet lead her wisely. A man who loves the Father more than himself, and who promises to lead her by laying down his life. Remember how scared you felt? It was all so unknown to you. First, you came home one summer, unsure of how you wanted to move forward with her father, and then, almost a year to the day, you married him! That must have happened too quickly for your parents. They might have wondered what in the world you were thinking. But, they quietly and patiently trusted the Father. Remember how determined you were. The time for marriage was immediate; there was no waiting. No one could have changed your mind. And, of course, remember how you were "gaga" in love with her dad(still are!). Meet with her future husband, get to know him, discern that he is an honorable, godly man. If they believe God is leading, support them. If it seems too soon, breathe, and trust His plan. When she calls you to discuss their first fight, don't entertain the discussion. Charge her to go to her husband. Be for their marriage. Pray for and with them faithfully. Encourage her husband, and realize that he is different than your daughter. He may not feel loved the way she does. He may not respond the way she does. But know that he needs your support. Always--even though you  may not want to--allow them time to resolve conflict. Do not interfere with their plans. If they live far away, be gracious and patient. Make your daughter feel loved, and that you  miss her, but trust the plans that she and her husband make. If she hurts your feelings, lovingly point that out. And remember, the relationship between in-laws is fragile. Remember how different that relationship was for you.  When your daughter comes to you complaining of how she has been hurt by her husband, take no sides. She did not just marry a sinner, she is one. She, too, will make mistakes. Try your hardest to affirm the marriage. If you feel conflict must be addressed with her husband, do it respectfully, and in private. Love them enough to give them space, and don't harbor unrealistic expectations. I know it may be easy for you to begin taking care of her when you visit, but let her husband do that. Micromanaging is not your job anymore. You have done your very best before God and now she is under the spiritual headship of the man to whom she was given.



8. Parenthood:
Well, now you are a grandmother. Geeze, this all happening WAY too fast!
Another season where your little girl desperately needs her mom. She will feel scared, insecure, uncertain, anxious, etc. Everything will feel so foreign to her. Remember that? Remember how everyone felt the need to share their story with you once they  heard of your pregnancy? Remember how informative the internet was? And the decisions. So many choices! Everyone had an opinion and nothing you decided ever seemed right! Again, I implore you to encourage your daughter. Honestly share your decisions, and stories, but never pressure her. She is her own woman now, and you are her support. She needs your love, your care and your wisdom. Let her come to you with questions. If you can, be present when she requests you. Make every effort to build her marriage up, and to support her journey through "Mommyland". Willingly care for her new bundle of joy. Do the laundry. Clean the house. Keep the baby so she and her husband can reconnect. Serve joyfully. Verbally affirm her and remind her to rest in Jesus' strength. She is learning as she goes, and she won't have everything under control 24/7, but if she knows you support she and her husband wholeheartedly, and that you are daily lifting her with the Father, she will feel secure.


And please, my dear friend, in each and every season, remember to give thanks in every small victory of life(be it successful potty-training, a modest prom dress or college admission) for the blessings abound.

Love,

Sus

Part II:When I Kept Silent

Falling down upon our knees

sharing now in common shame.

We have sought security,

not the cross that bears your name.

Fences guard our hearts and homes,

comfort sings a siren tune.

We're a valley of dry bones.

Lead us back to life in you.

 

The above paragraph has been streaming through my mind all day. It  shakes me to the core because it is such a vivid portrayal of my heart. I am falling down upon [my] knees, sharing now in common shame.  I need Jesus desperately.

 

A little while ago, I published  When I Kept Silent: Part I.  The entire post was devoted to bitterness, and the opportunities presented when we[by God's grace] do battle with it. It's an interesting title since I couldn't have predicted a definite "Part II". It's almost like I knew that the Lord would continue kneading this sin in my heart.

 

Recently, I was given another opportunity to grow. It was painful, and revealed some of the ickiest parts of my heart(the way it was before Jesus came). I didn't like it, but I couldn't escape it. Yet again, bitterness reared it's ugly head. 

Transparency: I struggle with forgiveness. Whenever my feelings are wounded, there is some part of me that just can't get over it. Somewhere along the last 25 years of my life, I taught myself to "burn bridges" if I didn't value a relationship enough to work through conflict. How immature is that? Sinfully, I justified breaking ties with people because I didn't feel like sifting through the pain. FEEL. Isn't that a funny word? I use it entirely too much--I feel  like going to the store today. I don't feel  like doing laundry or cleaning the dishes. I feel like I can't take you seriously.

SINCE WHEN DID FEELINGS BECOME TRUTH?

For as long as I can remember, I have been an emotional person. I'm thinking all the way back to pre-k when one of my peers clobbered my nose with a wooden swing[accidentally, of course] Yes, it was traumatic, and NO my nose wasn't broken. But It felt like the world was ending. I walked around for weeks stubbornly resolved never to forgive my perpetrator. And he asked. Bless him,  ever day at snack time he begged for my forgiveness. I guess I thought it was this cute routine we had. What I didn't realize then was how deeply this poorly would affect me later on.

Plough deep in me, great Lord,
        heavenly Husbandman,
        that my being may be a tilled field,
        the roots of grace spreading far and wide,
        until thou alone art seen in me,
        thy beauty golden like summer harvest,
        thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

 

And here was that same feeling. My stomach churned, I couldn't focus and my heart ached. 

Ugh. How could X do this to me? I don't deserve this. I shouldn't be treated this way. 

 As I'm meditating on what it means to be "ploughed" now, I can't help but think of that old game. You know, you and your buddy would each take a turn "ploughing" each other's arms. It was basically just an excuse to torture each other by means of awkward forearm massage.

 

ANYWAY, I thought: I can't handle this pain again. Didn't I have victory? Why won't this ache go away? Why does it hurt so badly? Why can't I just release it?

 

And suddenly, I was right back in that same familiar sin. But like the year before, I couldn't just trample the relationship. It was permanent[isn't it funny how the people most connected to you hurt the deepest?]  But I couldn't just "let go and let God" like I had the year before. It was too much this time. I decided that since this same pain kept showing up, I wouldn't put up with it anymore. I wouldn't allow myself to feel pain. And the walls went up. I couldn't forgive this time. Not if the same people would continue hurting me over and over again. And if God wasn't going to protect me, then I had to make do on my own. I had to protect myself.

 

Just like that, I was a rock.

And a rock feels no pain.

Except, my foundation was shaky; created by hand-laid pebbles of bitterness. It was more like a rock pile. 

Plus, my bitterness isolated me. 

And an island never cries.

Let me tell you something,forgiveness is unattainable without community. The Lord created his beloved to be in family. But isn't it easier to recoil in solitude at the first sign of pain? I think so. Pushing forward in honesty with the people who knew me took more energy than I could muster. But it is often through these people-- you know, the I-love-you-anyway kind--that the Lord brings restoration. 

Once I trudged forward in transparency, I found that I am wasn't alone in my struggle. Life gets messy. People take offense.  Relationships sting. And we are all too familiar with this. 

He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him. 

Ps. 126:6

Ah, this one-- the verse God continues to imprint on my heart.  It seems that throughout this life we will wrestle through pain--physical, emotional, spiritual(sometimes all of the above). But He is in it--renewing our minds and making us more like Jesus. It hurts immensely, and sometimes it takes daily, moment-by-moment surrender, but it will not overcome us. And we have to trust that as we press into the lives of others through the pain, He will be honored. After all,

There's a broken heart in every [life].

I do not feel particularly victorious as I write this. In fact, the battle for joy is raging. It may never be finished until I am resting in the Father's arms. But everyday I have to choose forgiveness. I cannot live remembering the pain. Instead, I must bring my "mess" before the throne of grace and meditate on what has been done on my behalf. 

“Christ redeemed us from that self-defeating, cursed life by absorbing it completely into himself. Do you remember the Scripture that says, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”? That is what happened when Jesus was nailed to the cross: He became a curse, and at the same time dissolved the curse. 

Galatians 3:13-14 MSG

The bitterness I feel threatens to steal my joy and lock it away indefinitely. But God is not chained! He is on His throne, ruling and reigning despite my pathetic heart. And he loves me. 

The curse is broken. 

I am not bound to my sin. Because of what Christ has done there is freedom from myself!

When I meditate on that everything else just seems trivial. 

So no, I'm not out of the storm yet. I don't have to be. But now--more than ever-- I am convinced of the forthcoming victory. 

Hang in there, sweet friends. The King has come and sin is defeated. If that's all you can meditate on today, that's okay. Inhale. Exhale. You are not alone and what you feel has a God-inspired purpose. Everything is going to be okay.