This week has been tearful, to say the least. I'm not saying my tears are sad at all. In fact, I've cried for a myriad of reasons. Sappy commercial, silly love song, random act of kindness from a stranger, etc. And my tears are't pretty, either. I'm one of those uncomposed criers. Come on, don't act like you're not picking up what I'm putting down. We've all witnessed those people--the ones who cause a major public scene with their blubbering. They leek slobber and salty tears all over their faces, their expression would make you think they're witnessing some heinous crime, and the noises...oh, the noises. They squeak, snort, cough...sometimes their vocal register is so high that their speech is barely audible through their tearful stammering. Overall just a heap of discomfort for everyone involved. And I mean EVERYONE. I like to call it ugly crying. Humorously enough, usually the catalyst for such a commotion is nothing greater than a tragic ending to their favorite rom-com or the pathetic realization that Justin Beiber does, in fact, have a new lady friend ( yes boys, sometimes we are shallow enough to dream that we could be next) Don't worry, to quote one of my favorite Nelly songs, it is "only just a dream"(sounds kinda redundant, Nell, let's aim for better material next time, okay?I can be real like this with him because we're tight...) Well, confession time: that crazed crier is me. Yup, I can totally relate to those girls because I have been THAT GIRL.
Okay, maybe it's not THAT dramatic...but in my head it is. You name it, and I've probably cried about it. Sometimes Tyler likes to predict the tears when we're watching a movie or a sugary commercial. I know this because he always looks back at me expectantly. It's like a cheap thrill for him. Makes him giggle and I don't mind :)
The biggest tear-trigger thus far this week: My husband is gone for two weeks. It's strange and new for us since we haven't been separated for this long since our first few weeks of marriage. He is out to sea, and I am here in San Diego, awaiting his return. It has probably been one of the longest weeks of my married life. Trying to fill my days with meetings and outings with friends, over-cleaning the house, finding little tasks to keep me busy. It is hard, and sometimes really discouraging. Waiting and wondering if he's ok. Waiting and praying that he isn't exhausted. Waiting and checking my email constantly, for some word on his current state. Waiting...waiting...waiting...
Today in Starbucks I had an ugly crying moment.
I was reading Paul's words in Philippians 3:
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that DEPENDS on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (7-11)
I kept retracing those words in my mind.And there in my cushy leather chair, began the tear-fest. Of course, since I WAS in a public place, I determined not to let the waterworks consume me. Soon, however, my eyes were so full that my glasses fogged up and my vision blurred. My face became wet and blotchy. I looked like a hot mess and I had to leave. So, I continued the moment in the privacy of my car. I know people must have thought I was crazy...
But that thought kept striking me: Righteousness depends on faith...
I know this is elementary, but for me, it was revolutionary. I considered all of those faith-less moments I have on a daily basis. I literally have very little faith. You can look at the Spiritual gifts test I took last night...I "don't got it". In fact, I barely have faith enough for it to count. I think I scored a 2. Geeze louise. It was hitting me hard, like a blow to the head. Then I was overwhelmed by love. What a GOOD God we serve. He not only saves us, but he LOVES us. The Word says that he KNOWS we are dust, and yet he DESIRES a life-giving, vulnerable relationship with us. He saves us, and he knows us. AND he desires that we know him. That's why He keeps pressing deeper and harder into our hearts: to soften us and make us more like himself. He desires that we be righteous. But our problem is: we are faithless creatures. Faithless and imperfect. We are not made to have hope. We are born as objects of wrath. We have zero hope.
but JESUS.
He wants me to be righteous. He knows I can't on my own,so he washes me with his blood. He desires faith, but he knows I am faithless. So he graciously gives grace to believe-especially in these aimless waiting games.
Our God provides. In this life, I feel like there will always be something to wait for. Whether it's a spouse, a baby, a new job, etc. There is always an excuse to be discontent. To forget to worship. But that is not what God desires for his children. We could wait anxiously, believing the lie that God will not take care of us OR we can rest in the satisfaction that He knows us and every step we take is guided by his desire that we be conformed to his image; that we would KNOW his heart. And when we lack faith--which we almost always will--He gives more grace to believe and to trust his steadfast hand. In those faithless days, we can worship in the best way we can muster.
So, while this waiting business sometimes drags me down, I can choose to find contentment in the everyday grace--those small victories I keep referencing. If that means my ugly crying is all I've got to offer after a long day, then may that be a fragrant offering of worship to my King. He gives the day-by-day faith to make us righteously content.
Today's small victory: one of my kids--who usually cries every rehearsal--did not cry today!
This week: Shiloh learned how to "sit" and "stay"....
Taking things one day at a time, people, and the Father keeps reminding me of his love.
:)
photo credit: Jill Greenberg
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