Small Victories [Inspired by a Chocolate Croissant]

I am introvert. Before I write anything else, I gotta laythis foundation: Spending time with people wears me out more often than itenergizes me. It’s not necessarily that I dislike spending time with people,it’s just that when it comes to recharging myself, alone time is necessary.

I recently realized that quiet time at home just is notpossible. I sure do try, but then my ADD tendencies kick in and I startthinking of 10,000,000 little tasks to be accomplished and I CANNOT focus. Adear friend of mine suggested getting out of the house. So, this morning, Ifound myself walking across the street to a little coffee shop for some qualityalone time with God. I figured I could spend some time with Jesus, and maybe befocused enough to get some work done.

I ordered a flaky chocolate croissant…and an iced caramelmocha(obviously NOT operating out of my healthy side…Oh wait, I don’t have oneof those…) and found a comfy booth spot with an outlet. I plugged my computerin, retrieved my bible and journal, and put my headphones in. The man next tome kept glancing over occasionally, and I wondered why. Then I realized howstrange it must seem to see someone reading their Bible in public. I wasthankful I wasn’t on the other end of the spectrum. He eventually left, and Icontinued to worship, praying that my actions would not be pharisaical(I havethis nasty tendency towards pride…and I don’t like it—that’s on the long listof characteristics I cannot wait to be removed when my faith is turned to sight).  Soon I was zoned out.  The music, the setting, the Word…everythingseemed perfect and my ADD craziness was somehow gone. I was enthralled.

And then the girl next to me dropped her croissant on thefloor. I previously mentioned that I am a mercy AND an introvert. In anutshell, that means I feel drawn to people who are obviously hurting or needy.The only problem is my pursuit of said people. I’m frightfully timid. We’retalkin’ scared to death to even initiate conversationally. The Lord knows that,so He gave me a prop( He really is a genius, guys).   My light, chocolatey deliciousness was stillin the bag, so I offered it to the poor girl. I explained that I was clumsy,and stuff like that happened all the time to me (then I felt like I an idiotbecause she must have thought I was calling her clumsy…so I apologized.). Shethanked me but refused, uttering something about how sweet I was. I justchuckled to myself and admitted that I really just love sweets and know howfrustrating it can be to lose something you’ve been craving. She smiled and weboth continued working. A few seconds later,

“Do you read your Bible a lot?”

My heart fluttered. Was she talking to me?

“I  try to. I’m not always veryconsistent.”

“Have you read through the whole Bible?”

I flushed. “Oh, not quite. It’s pretty big and I’m still workingthrough it.”

“Oh wow. What’s your motivation for reading?”

Eek! A real question. I had been praying the whole time.  “It…gives me life. It gives me purpose.”

Holy Spirit: 12,000 points. Me: 0

“Cool.” She genuinely seemed interested and I was shocked. I stumbledover my words, and I must have sounded SO nervous. Thankfully I did not leadthat conversation J

Here’s the thing about me: sharing the Gospel cold turkey scares me. Iam one of those stereotypical Christians who harbors little passion aboutwalking up to someone randomly and asking to share a diagram with them. Some ofmy friends—and even my husband—are gifted in that way. They can share withanyone and they’re always chomping at the bit to do so. Not Susanna. I’ve seentoo many scenarios where people end up feeling like a project—you know, a merenumber…not someone loved or cared for---so I’m kinda turned off to it. I thinkI’ve observed those situations for a reason, though. Before I started tounderstand my spiritual gifts, I used to feel embarrassed that I wasn’t so greatat evangelism. I would clam-up with the excuse that I wanted people to feelloved (which wasn’t bad) and I wouldn’t talk about Jesus at all.  Definitely not the right approach, but Ididn’t know that. So, when I was asked how many times I had shared the Bridgediagram or how many Gospel conversations I engaged in for the semester, I wouldchoke out a single digit and then walk away feeling ashamed of myself andhearing lies. That feeling was not from the Lord. Something I am learning: TheLord wants us to step out in obedience, but that is always under the umbrellaof embracing the way you were created. My friends who are gifted in evangelismhave this captivating way of sharing the Gospel. They do it so well, thatpeople are usually entranced and deeply moved. I admire that about them. Myhusband, for example, is one of the best evangelists I know. He paints one ofthe most beautiful pictures of God I’ve ever heard. And he bleeds passion—to goto the nations and share this precious story. It’s one of the things I love abouthim. Our heartbeats are in sync, but mygifts are different.

So, today when I was nervously discussing all things Jesus and simplylife with this lovely new friend, I remembered that and I was filled with aweat our God. He knows me. He understands the way I’m wired. He loves me. The Lord knows that I have aheart to love on people, so He used that this morning. It wasn’t uncomfortableand it wasn’t random. It was divine. For me, there are moments when I need totrust the Holy Spirit and speak out in faith. The result is not alwayspositive. But that’s okay. The Lord is glorified in the effort. But I shouldnot, for one minute, think that any shame or lies produced from not pursuingthe opportunity are from the Lord. Conviction, yes, but NEVER shame. He is nota tyrant, or a dictator. HE is a merciful, compassionate savior. Now, I do notdiscount His might. Our God is also the powerful King of Creation. But whendealing with a lowly, insecure, timid child, he is never harsh. He is kind and gentle;a tender shepherd. In fact, more often than not, the Lord responds to hischildren with grace(just think about how many times the Lord extended mercy tothe nation of Israel…)

 My new friend and I ended uptalking for a little over an hour. I learned about her background, her family,and even the name of her 5 year-old niece. She was an open book, and I felthonored that she shared as much as she did. She was also inquisitive. There wasso much that she wanted to know about me, and about GOD!  At the end of our conversation, we exchangednumbers with the promise to really keep in touch. It was the highlight of myweek, honestly.  The Lord’s love iscompelling me to step out in faith. His kindess leads me into boldness. So muchso, that these “scary conversations” grow a little less intimidating with everystep. I’m no Billy Sunday yet, but I can at least glean encouragement from thissmall victory.

As good ole Neil would say, “That’s one small step for [Susanna] andone huge step for [the Kingdom]”…or something along those lines. J

Today, if you are discouraged and who you are is hidden behind lies youbelieve about yourself, then count those small victories and give thanks.They’re just as important as the “big” ones. It really helps, I promise.