OUCH

Last night my husband rebuked me. And it hurt. Since I was too busy bemoaning the tone he used I didn’t listen. I was defiant. There was no way that he was right about this one. Now, I will award credit where credit is due: He is right sometimes. Probably a lot more than I. But this time, there was simply NO way. His words were harsh, his tone was frustrated and he was overall just plain mad…so I concluded that he was very wrong.  Funny how we humans completely miss truth spoken into our lives when we’re offended by tone…

This morning, when I had a bit of time to gather my thoughts, I revisited last night’s conversation:

Me: Honey, I keep having panic attacks. I’m anxious often—especially in the morning—and I can’t figure out why.

Tyler: I’m so sorry. What are you anxious about?

Me: Well, I wake up early and recount my life. I wonder if all those life-altering decisions I made should have been made differently. Like, maybe I should have taken that scholarship to Troy, maybe I should have gone on tour for a little while longer, or maybe I shouldn’t have quit piano lessons when I was 5…(the list continues until he cuts me off abruptly)

Tyler : Susanna, you have to stop. This is not the way life works. You believe in a sovereign God, so TRUST him.You’re being self-satisfying in all of these scenarios. You’re caring too much about what you think would have made you happy and none of this is even about you. God has clearly shown you favor! You are so blessed. Be thankful!You wouldn’t be so anxious half the time if you didn’t second-guess everything…just trust the Lord! Everything is going to be okay, I promise. I love you. 

Yes, he did get pretty “fired up”, but I don’t blame him in the least.  And, in his defense, he apologized for his tone later, but that’s not my point. Tyler was/is right. I’m too focused on my life choices (whether past or present) that I fail to trust the Lord and it is torturing me! My anxiety attacks are a result of me indirectly claiming that I know better than God. That…had I made different choices, I would be happier. In turn, I’m neglecting the needs of others around me. And I’m too darn focused on Susanna!This morning, when I was meditating on his words, my heart sank. 

I’ve become like everyone else in America; so concerned with my affairs that I forget to preach Christ. And ultimately, I’m saying my will is better than His. Ouch.

Get off of your “high horse”, Susanna! Life isn’t about being happy. It is about bringing the glory to God alone, and finding everlasting joy and peace in that. I honestly don’t know if this blog makes any sense at all. I mean, I just emotionally vomited all over my keyboard (gross, right?). I’m still processing these things. And I openly admit that I am ashamed of my attitude.  But here’s the thing: I don’t have to live in this shame.  Romans 12:9-13 commands us to love sincerely; hating what is evil and clinging to what is good. And in Psalm 31, David declares, “My times are in your hands”.  The Lord created love and time. He knows how to love us, and he knows exactly how are lives are to be ordered. While I’m lying there in the wee hours of the morning clinging to my version of “good” for my life, the Lord Is gently reminding me that he holds my time. His plan is perfect, and I just need to rest in it.  And—as an added bonus—he has given me an amazing husband who loves me sincerely enough to help me cling to God’s good measure for my life.  It is hard to hear the truth sometimes, especially from the person you love more than anyone in the world, but it is SO sweet to see God’s grace in that!!