Tear-Full

Ever since we moved to California, the silliest things trigger my tears.  The only catch is, to me they are not silly. For example, the other day I started crying when I heard I’ll Be Home for Christmas because I felt thankful to be spending Christmas with the man God has designed for me. And the other night, when Tyler and I were watching TV, a Carter’s Kids commercial about moms came on, and I started bawling because it made me miss my mother. Then the other day, I cried while hanging pictures, because one of the frames was inscribed with, “All Because Two People Fell in Love” and I thought about the people in our (mine and Tyler’s) lives who have exemplified godly marriage, like our grandparents and parents.  Sometimes, a mere look from Tyler will spark the "waterworks".  Or a thought of a family member will make me burst into tears. What’s funny is, when the tears come, I am more often than not with Tyler. And yes, he is usually confused. I’m convinced he believes I’m crazy( not really). Honestly, I’ll cry anywhere and everywhere, with no shame. Like Tyler, the people out here don’t know how to respond either. It sounds depressing, doesn’t it? But the difference is my tears are what I believe to be an overflow of a thankful heart. I don’t know if you have been following my blog since our move, but it is filled with some raw posts. Most of them discuss my growing need for Jesus through a daily realization of new sin. It’s hard to be in that place—of constant sanctification, of continually realizing that you are not good enough on your own; that you desperately need a Savior. But now at the end of what seemed like life’s dreariest spiritual tunnel, I see that it was/is the very best place to be. To be so pathetic and insatiable on a daily basis is good for my heart; it produces with me both gratitude and humility. I need that 24/7. 

That first paragraph up there was written before the shootings of this morning occurred.  Anything that I type now seems utterly worthless. In fact, I’m not sure of how to respond. I just know I felt led to write something.  But…what? What do you say to those families who lost their precious children? Or to those families of the teachers who died for the protection of little lives? How do I respond to this random, heinous crime? I honestly don’t know. When I first read the article, I felt angry at the gunman, and glad he died. I felt unsafe. I felt broken-hearted. And I cried.  I fell apart. Immediately, I grabbed Shiloh, held her in my arms, and cried into her soft black fur. That may seem strange, but she was the only warm-blooded creature nearby, and it was oddly comforting. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried to think of a productive chore to keep me busy, but all I’ve been able to do since hearing the news is sit on my couch and cry. Surprisingly, the most overwhelming emotion of the day has not been bitterness or sorrow. Yes, I am devastated for the families of those lost. But more than anything, I am thankful. Not thankful this happened. Not thankful our nation had to endure yet another tragedy. Not thankful that lives were lost. That would be cruel and senseless of me. But because of this event, my heart wells up with gratitude for the love I’ve been surrounded with. I’m thankful…

For a Daddy who always, without fail, points me to Christ; who loves me unconditionally, and is never too proud to hold me in his arms and tell me, “Everything will be OK”.  I’m thankful for this man, whose heart breaks a little bit more with every new step towards the heart of God. And through whom the experienced presence of God is more evident every time I see him. 

For a Mother, who faithfully serves and loves her family, and with whom I can talk at any hour about any topic. And through whom I have observed the most apparent example of tender mercies. She has shown me how to love people authentically, and organically. And, now that I a wife, I have resolved that she has been my best model of what it looks like to honor the Lord as both a woman and a wife. 

For a big sister, who always exceeded my expectations of a sister; who exemplifies motherhood in a radical, beautiful way, and who is never too old to let me call her “Sissy”.

For a big brother, who is truly the brother I never thought I would receive, who shares my sense of humor, and loves to make people smile. He cares for his family in the most genuinely selfless way.

For a wonderful namesake niece, who’s smile can brighten anyone’s day, and who’s laughter is contagious. She is not merely a ray of sunshine, she IS sunshine.

For a niece or nephew to come…who will most assuredly sweeten our little clan.

For a Grandmother, who generously gave to her family for years, never asking for anything but love. She fought to protect and serve her family with kindness, wisdom and honor. Plus, she just knew how to make me laugh.

For a Rogie, who left a legacy of lovely, creative, spunky people. She loved her family well, especially through heartache, and yet daily proclaimed,” The Lord is in control”. 

For the generations of aunts, uncles, and cousins, who have lovingly shown me the value of sacrificially loving your family--whatever the cost, whatever the season. 

For a new family, who I am excited to learn how to love. And by whom I already feel immeasurably blessed and welcomed. 

For a husband, who patiently deals with my sin, loves me through it, and pushes me to know Christ in a rich way. He seeks to love me more furiously, and make me feel valued, like no one else has apart from Christ. Being in this marriage with him as given me a clearer picture of the Lord’s fierce and unending love. 

Finally, for a Father, who is FAITHFUL even when I am faithless. For this Savior who relentlessly

pursues my stubborn, unwilling heart daily. For his abounding love, and patience. For his coming as an innocent, tiny, seemingly helpless child to save a people for himself.

Though I cannot understand what those mourning may feel, I know how I am to respond: in tear-full thanksgiving.

It is humbling that the God of the Universe loves us each enough to remind us to be thankful.  It makes me want to hug the ones I love a little bit longer, and to spend more time telling them why I love them.

So, if you’re reading this, know that you are loved. The God of Creation loved you enough to sacrifice his only Son. Isn’t it reassuring to know that, when we have no possible way of understanding, He can empathize with these hurting people?

“Give thanks to the Lord…for he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things”-Psalm 107:9

“You keep track of all my sorrows…You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book”- Ps. 56:8