Over the past few days, I have felt this overwhelming urge
to write. I know, I’m not really a
self-proclaimed writer. Usually I only write about lighter topics. But here I am, with what I believe to be a
supernatural urge bubbling over within me. Confession: Since our move to
California, I have been extremely lazy. For the first month, I allowed the
laziness. I thought; okay, maybe my body
is trying to tell me something. Adjusting to the time difference was difficult,
and taxing...so I took things slowly. But now there is simply no excuse. As a result of the laziness, I have been WAY too
interested in TV, cell phone, social networking, Hulu, etc. It’s ridiculous,
really. I guess I used the TV as a sort of comfort blanket for when Tyler was
away. Something about having the voices on in the background as I cooked or
crafted made me feel less alone. Stupid, just plain stupid. Now I’ve gotten into this horrid TV schedule.
I actually know when programs are coming on. I have it memorized. Seriously,
could I get any more pathetic? Why yes, actually, I can! Not only do I have
them memorized, but I faithfully tune in for hours at a time. If my favorite
show of the hour is one for 3 hours, I’ll lay there and partake. Wow, right?
Amazing that someone could be so intrinsically needy. As you can imagine, a lot
of equally awful habits have followed suit. I do not get into the Word
faithfully, I am not memorizing scripture, I am not spending time really praying, etc. The last real time
I remember communing with God was last night, in the middle of an argument with
Tyler. I was crying out for help. And, because God is faithful, he gave
it. He is always faithful, particularly
when we are faithless. And here I am, feeling pretty helpless, because I am
trying to withhold from TV for a day, or however long it takes to break me of
this habit; of this need. Yes, you are correct in assuming that I have an
addiction. I like to call it an idol, because that is simply and dangerously
what it is. Over time, and in my severe loneliness, this idol crept in. It
fulfilled me minimally at times, and I walked away happy. The next day, I came
back hoping for the same high, and when it came my loneliness disappeared…for a
bit. Then I became dependent upon it.
And the need for it ate away at me until I was momentarily satisfied.
Amazingly, when I came to this horrendous conclusion, and clumsily opened my
Bible in shame, the Lord did not condemn me. Instead, he reminded me that I
have purpose, that I am unique and that I have authority. Gosh, what a loving
God we serve! And how miserable I am without Him. Even as I type now, I want to turn the TV
on. I want something playing in the background to keep me distracted. There’s
the word for it---distraction. Yup, all of the technology this world has to
offer has got me spiraling into busyness, keeping me distracted from finding
fulfillment in Christ. My days are full of Instagram, Facebook, Twitter,
television, hulu, Netflix…and still I am not satisfied. In fact, I am lazy,
unhappy, out of touch, and tired. Meanwhile I have a Father who desperately
longs to spend time with his beloved. Why can’t I just go to him before
anything or anyone else? Why am I so caught up in thinking that these worldly
things will satisfy me in the perfect way that He does? Psalm 139 says that He
has searched me and known me. He has known me. That means that before the
world was formed, and before I knew myself, HE knew me. He was acquainted with
all of my ways---or nuances—as Tyler would call them. He knew how quirky and
selfish I would be. He knew that I would cry at anything even remotely
sentimental. He knew that I would be tall, and sometimes awkward. He knew that
I would bite my nails, but that I would want to stop. And that I would fail in
my attempt to do so more than I would succeed. He knew that my favorite verse
would change monthly. He knew that my ears would be crooked. He knew that I
would be a routine kind of person. He knew that I would cherish sleep…sometimes
to an unhealthy level. He knew that I would preach about loving people but that
I would fail to on a daily basis…starting with my husband. He knew that my
heart was made to work with kids. He knew that I would snort when I laugh. He
knew that I would have trouble resting. He knew that I would fail to listen
sometimes. He knew that I would be prone to wander. He knew that I was needy,
but would fail to remember my need for Him regularly. He knew that He would
have to remind me to submit to my husband. He knew that I would be sinfully
independent. He knew that I would be quick to give love to everyone but Him
first. He knew that I would have an unhealthy need for technology. He knew. He knew because he created. And he loved me
enough to die for me. After unpacking all of this, what can my response be but,
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my
thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting!”
Psalm
139:23-24
I’m tearing down my happy wall. Things are real now. I admit that
circumstances are not easy, but I also—more than ever—admit my desperate need
for change. I want to know Him in the way that he knows me.
No comments:
Post a Comment