Struggling to Sleep

Well,
It is 11:32 on a Sunday night and I cannot fall asleep. It's fine, really, because this blog has been brewing for quite some time. It's so strange that three weeks ago I was incapable of falling asleep with someone beside me. Now, here I am struggling to fall asleep at this late hour because my husband(I'm still getting used to calling him that...) is on duty. That means that he stays on his ship for 24 hours. I think he stands watch some of that time, but I'm still not sure. Anyway, here I am...writing a long overdue blog that may not even make sense because I'm still adjusting to the time difference.

San Diego is wonderful. We hit the ground running two weeks ago, and we haven't ha a regular work week since. Our first week here, we arrived on a Monday night, relaxed on Tuesday, and Tyler returned to work that Wednesday. The movers deposited our things that Friday, and we spent the weekend moving into our townhome. It is wonderful! Ty and I got a chance to relax last Saturday. He surprised me and took me to see Les Miserables downtown. How awesome is he?!This past week, Tyler went underway on a ship for a week, so I went to Bakersfield(about 4 hours north) to visit some family! They are cousins on my Dad's side, so generous and kind! I gave them less than a week's notice and they graciously agreed to take me in while my husband was out of town! Tyler and I both made it safely into San Diego on Friday night. We spent the evening and all of yesterday together and now, as I mentioned, he is on duty. Since it is the weekend, he will be on duty straight into work until late tomorrow afternoon.

The adjustment is hard, but this time together has been so sweet. It's like the Lord has stripped us of everything familiar and comfortable to make our love and dependence for each other, and most importantly for Him, grow. It is both humbling and scary. I can't really expound on that right now, as I am still thinking through things. However, I can say that I am learning more about joy than I ever have. You hear people preach that joy is not about circumstances or about the people with whom you surround yourself. But you can never honestly admit that truth until it slaps you smack in the face. I'm out in San Diego with the man of my dreams. He is the one man who knows how to make me smile/laugh longer than anyone, even my immediate family, an d yet he is not the source of my joy. I love being married! Please do not take my words offensively. Being the wife of Joseph Tyler Walden is my biggest blessing from the Lord, but even Tyler cannot be my joy. When people found out I was moving to San Diego, they were all thrilled. It is true that San Diego offers some of the best weather, and the best career opportunities of any city, but being in San Diego is not my source of joy. Jesus is. I know, I know, that sounds cliche, but it really is true! Even now, as I'm struggling to fall asleep, I know that the Lord sustains me.

Confession: I worry more than I trust. I worry that we'll never make any friends. I wonder if I'll ever find a job that I love. I grow anxious over big, urgent decisions like finding a church. I fail to fall asleep because my husband isn't nearby and I feel afraid. The list goes on and on... But what do I regularly forget? Trust. I think I'm probably rambling at this point, because my eyes are starting to droop(praise the Lord) and the words won't come as quickly as they did previously. I will share a verse before I fall over the keyboard, though! It is one of those verses that the Lord continually brings to mind for meditation and reflection. It is found in the book of Acts. One of the first recorded martyrs of the faith stands up to defend his case in chapter 7. He opens his speech with a recollection of history, beginning with Abraham. In verse 5 he states,

Yet he gave him no inheritance in it, not even a foot's length, but promised to give it to him as a possession and to his offspring after him, though he had no child..."

So, here I am, complaining to the Lord about a million little things, when Abraham was promised nothing. The problem: I'm a complaining slot machine. Just pull the lever and I'm gone! But Abraham trusted the Lord. He moved forward in faith, without even a foot's length of land--basically a pocketful of promises--and he humbly trusted his father to provide.

Seriously, I really need to check myself...

Praise be to the God who loves me enough to show me how desperately I need Him. It seems my desperation grows daily.