Part I: When I Kept Silent

Confession: I have a problem. Whenever my feelings get hurt by someone, if there is no reconciliation, I mentally check out(is anyone else out there resonating with this?!)  I won't say that this happens all the time. More often than not, one or both parties will forgive and forget through some heart-to-heart conflict resolution(which is usually needed, but not very easy and sometimes a little bit awkward...but I've become convinced that awkward moments are necessary for vulnerability to happen...more on this later). But if someone continues to hurt my feelings consistently, rubbing over the same wound multiple times, I shut down. A lot of times, the other party is not aware of what they're doing.  I think it has something to do with my abundance of trust in people. Or rather, my expectations. When both of those things are broken/unfulfilled, I am crushed. It's not right. In fact, it is sinful. I know what you're thinking: Susanna, that's not fair. How can you expect healing to occur if you're don't respect the offender enough to have a conversation about it? I'll get to that(probably in Part II)  Thankfully, there are people in my life who will call me out; people who are brave enough to keep me from wallowing in self-pity. I need these people. I am grateful for these people. But lately, there is a particular root that resurfaced. More accurately, it was realized.  In hindsight, my thoughts and actions regarding this situation should have clued me in a little bit sooner(but this is where I have to trust the Lord's timing). Had the root been discovered any time before it was destined , I may not have been ready. The Lord knew when He would be walking me through this. And He knew that I would need triple quadruple measures of grace. Even more than that, he knew that I would be delivered(because that is his business). In fact, that was/is his goal--to rip out those weeds so that He would be the focus! Every time my feelings were bruised, I suppressed it, thinking I was brushing it off; that it would go away.  I figured that I could handle things on my own, without the Body, without my support system, and ultimately without Jesus' help.

I hope that everyone out there knows that THIS. NEVER. WORKS. And I want to encourage you all against it. I learned the hard way.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long...
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my sin to the Lord"...

It's funny how the Lord works. I have read the above verse many times, but yesterday the words seemed burned into my mind. It was as if they were on replay throughout the day. At the end of my long, trying work day, I finally sat down to meditate on them. It didn't take long for me to understand a little bit of what God was doing. [side note: how cool is it that He reveals things bit-by-bit instead of all at once?! He's that gentle.] 

[if you're still reading this, kuddos. I know it's a doozie-and-a-half. Thanks for hanging in there...]

Things that have torn me up inside I have processed thus far:

1. I need to confess my sin before the Lord. 
 In Psalm 32(those verses WAY up there) David mentions that the Lord's hand was "heavy upon [him]"(vs. 4).  David was feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually weighed down by his sin. He knew he was wrong. He knew the Lord was moving. And it was painful. But the next verse is so hopeful: I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said: I will confess my transgressions to the Lord...

AND...there was no hope. He was kaput. Finito. Fertig [for those of you wondering, that is "finished" in German. See? We're learning together!]

Actually, NO. Praise God, NO! David was not without hope. He confessed his sin AND

you FORGAVE the iniquity of my sin! (in the original text there is no exclamation point...but I just got so enthused writing this that I couldn't resist)

[this song is now automatically on replay in my mind... ]

Just like in the garden all those years ago, the Lord knows our sin. He knows when we try to hide it. And praise Him that He does not leave us in it. If you belong to Him, he always provides freedom. Life. HOPE because of the Gospel. 

2. I need to confess my sin to someone. I felt this heavy urge pulling me to share with someone what had been weighing on my heart all this time. 

And now I must take this time to recognize[without mentioning names] some of my sisters. The Body is necessary in times like these...when your heart aches, and your sin hurts...

My confession happened in the parking lot of Target. Sure, I had shared my heart with my Momma, who is a wonderful, encouraging confidant. But I had never taken the time to really pour my heart out to my sisters. I was spending the day with two dear friends from our small group, and my mouth just exploded. As I explained my situation, I felt the dreary "sin cloud" hanging over my head begin to lighten. It was liberating. And scary. Suddenly I wasn't this Stepford Wife of togetherness. I was Susanna: embittered and restless. My sin was laid bare before them. And though I had confessed my sin before the Lord and begun the process of healing with Him, this experience added a new dimension to the process. I was being held accountable by friends, I was prayed for, I was cared for, and I was challenged to really resolve the issue in a God-glorifying, peace-making way. 

Recently, I was reminded of James' words, 
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16

I felt exactly what this verse promises when we confess our sins before one another: healing. Part of my process of healing included verbally laying my ugly bits and pieces before my friends. 

Guys, I'm still walking through this. I still need a lot of grace, especially from those closest to me, but I'm really beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

3. Confessing your sins openly provides opportunities for ministry.  

Once upon a time, a dear friend of mine shared a story with me of what market shopping on the streets of Thailand entails. From what she described, there are no tanks for fresh fish. There are no frozen sections, and there is definitely no air conditioning. The fish, in particular, are stacked atop a wooden platform. Flies buzz around, the fleshly carcass exposed and bleeding, and there is a gnarly ocean-seaweed-poopy smell lingering in the air. Fans provide an artificial wind warding off flies, but obviously cannot "shoo" them all. 

Well, this is what is feels like every time I talk about my personal problems. It is uncomfortable and downright gross. It makes my skin crawl. BUT the beauty here is that when I talk about it, I get to share what God is doing to remedy the problem. I get to talk about my overall victory in Christ! I get to expose my nastiness so that Christ would be glorified! I cannot tell you the number of times--even in the last few months--that sharing this story--in all of it's bloody, messy muck has given me the opportunity to hear the hearts of others. I promise you, though it is difficult, once you begin sharing about how God is redeeming your messy life, He will bless it. People will see you as a real-live broken individual; someone desperate for the healing powers of the Gospel. They will want Jesus to heal them, too. It's pretty darn awesome watching Him work.

4. Wrestling through sin is encouraging.

A book I've been challenged to read[The Peacemaker, Ken Sande] says it this way:

"Above all, hold on tightly to the liberating promises of the Gospel. Trust that Jesus has forgiven your sins, and confess them freely. Believe that he is using the pressures of conflict to help you to grow, and cooperate with him. Depend on his assurance that he is always watching over you, and stop fearing what others might do to you. Know that he delights to display his sanctifying power in your life and attempt to do things that you could never accomplish in your own strength, such as forgiving someone who was hurt you deeply. As you trust the Lord in these "unnatural" ways, people will have the opportunity to see that God is real and praise him for his work in your life!"

Romans 8:28 says, 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The God we serve is not one to leave us in a stupor of sin and self-pity. He is working this--whatever it may be--in you for your good and for HIS glory. We can rejoice through the pain, because He, in his zeal for his beloved, is not content to let us waste away in our sinful filth. 

My BIG victory today[and every day]: He never stops pursuing us. And He will always ensure that He alone receives glory. 

Sweet friends, press into Jesus through the pain. Know that He is making ALL things--especially YOU--new. Through this struggle against sin, we are becoming more like our Father...there is much to celebrate!

to be continued... :)

and now, a celebratory anthem: