Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling
discouraged because I didn’t think I was really doing anything special. You
know how some mornings you wake up and think, “What the heck am I doing with my
life”? “Is this what I dreamed I would be doing when I graduated college back
in 2012?”The answer, for me, was a resounding “no”.I never thought I would be
living in San Diego with my Naval officer husband, working in children’s
theatre and within the International ministries of a mega-church. There are
bits and pieces of what I dreamed sprinkled in there, but it’s not at all what
I expected.
In
my Portfolio and Resume class in college, our professor challenged us to write
a 10-year plan. For me, I planned to pursue children’s tour for years after
college. I figured I would travel the Southeastern circuit, then when I had
ample experience, I would attend seminary to obtain a masters in Christian
Education. By around age 27 I settle down. I thought I might meet my husband
there. That was the plan.
During
my routine Facebook check this morning(you know you do it, too) I saw an
advertisement for a new Youtube channel that some of my college peers have
started. We all studied Theatre together in school, but their concentration was
Performance, whereas mine was Musical Theatre. We were in shows together, and
we attended parties together, so I like to check up on them from time-to-time
for updates. This particular group has moved out to LA, and they have their own
improve/sketch comedy group. They have
this new channel of comedy shorts, and I decided to watch them for a laugh. I’m
sure one[or all] of them will be on Saturday Night Live someday. They’re that
good and I absolutely love watching their stuff. By about the 4th video,
though, I began feeling discouraged. And I thought, Where is this coming from? Why do I feel like I lack purpose? And
then the Holy Spirit reminded me, “Don’t lose your vision for the right now”.
I’ve
been dialoging with my sister a lot about this. She is a stay-at-home mommy of
two precious little girls. You have to know this about my big sister: she
is amazing. One of the most amazing people I’ve ever had the privilege to grow up with. She loves being a wife and mother,
plus she’s great at it, and she blossoms
wherever she is planted. But sometimes it can be hard to keep a missional perspective when you're cleaning baby formula off your blouse, or when you stay home all day cleaning countertops and changing diapers. Or when your outfit of choice is a pair of yoga pants and a semi-clean yet comfortable t-shirt. I don't think she knows how fabulous she is, or how I dream of being half the mommy she and my Mom are now one day when I have babies of my own. Sometimes it can be downright discouraging not interacting with adults for weeks at a time. Or to have Dora the Explorer as your sole source of entertainment for the day(you can only watch that show so many times before wanting to throw something at the singing backpack) SHOUTOUT TO MOMMIES EVERYWHERE: You guys are an inspiration. I want to be just like you one day. And I don't know how you do what you do so sacrificially and lovingly. Whenever she[my Sissy]
verbalizes those feelings, my mom (we’re all very close) chimes in: Don’t lose your vision for motherhood. The
three of us have this tradition of watching Hallmark movies together. There’s
something about those movies that make me smile. They’re clean, and sweet, and
whenever we get together we watch them. In one of the movies, called “Mom’s Day
Out”, the mom (who is in the midst of a mommy meltdown getaway) says, “The days
are long, but the years are short”. That
quote has been on my mind ever since… and as a result of that came the
realization that I am not, in fact, at all where I dreamed I would be, but I am in my RIGHT NOW. This is what
God has called me to be and to do. Before the foundations of the world—before I
was ever born—God knew that when I was 22.5 years old, he would call me to
marry Joseph Tyler Walden. He knew that I would follow him out here, with no
job prospects, no friends, no community…NO idea of what Navy life looks like
and that I would need to trust Him. He knew I would have to give up a rare
offer to go back on tour with my favorite Children’s theatre company. He knew
it would be hard, and He knew that I would struggle with adjusting in my first
year. But the fruit of that is a deeper trust and commitment to my Him. I
learned that what He had and has for
me, as his child, is always for my good and for His glory. You know, you hear
that and you read it in the Word, but it never becomes tangible (or, at least,
it didn’t for me) until you experience it. So now I’m thinking of how foolish
it is for me—as his daughter, in the very center of his good, pleasing and
perfect will—to question that.
Some
of my friends are jump-starting their careers now. In fact, most of them are.
One of them just booked his first Lowe’s commercial. Another dear friend has
been doing what I imagined for myself—working the tour circuit, making contacts—and
he is flourishing. And yet another friend is working for an off-Broadway
company [with famous people!] and she’ll probably be well-known herself one
day. But you know what? That is not—nor will it ever be—my right now. My right now
is CYT in 30 minutes. I will go and direct these kids in Aladdin and The Jungle Book.
It will probably be a hard day, because these are my hard kids. My right now is loving my husband and
serving him by cleaning our house for study. My right now is taking the dog out to use the bathroom. It’s not very
glamorous, is it? But it is good
because it is what God has called me to—moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath. He
has called me to serve these kids, to serve my boss, to serve my husband. “The
days are long, but the years are short”. Our lives are but a breath. The Lord
can take us as quickly as He placed us on this earth. So what good is it to
waste time thinking of what might have been or trying to change the present? As
Tyler likes to say, “This ain’t no dress rehearsal”. We are here for a very
brief time, the question is: How are we going to use it? Are we going to
complain, or are we going to be thankful? Either way we must move forward.
In
truth, I am not living my personal life ambitions that I envisioned years ago.
But what I have is better: the dream
of following Christ. He doesn’t promise sheer happiness all the time, but there
is joy and holy hope. He knows and loves me far more than I could imagine, so
how dare I believe that any dream I concocted is better?
31 What then shall we say to these
things? If God is for us, who can be[i] against us? 32 He
who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also
with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:31-32
32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.
Luke 12:27-32
AMEN!! I love this!
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