This past Tuesday I had a situation with one of my students. It was probably the worst case I have experienced thus far. We have had problems with her in the past. She just doesn’t want to be at CYT. I know this because she constantly rolls her eyes, lacks a desire to participate in even the smallest activity, and blatantly tells us. Yesterday was her “breaking point”, I guess. She burst into tears right in the middle of If I Only Had a Brain. My coworker pursued her while I continued rehearsal. This went on for all of 5 minutes, when the girl—let’s call her Jenna(for privacy reasons)—began walking away. At this point, I traded off with Joanna, my coworker, and decided to talk to Jenna myself. Crouched in the corner with tears streaming down her face, she wouldn’t look at me. She just kept talking about how much she hated CYT and that the part she was given is too small. I tried talking through it with her. I took every angle—including the “You have two options…” route. Nothing worked. She hated CYT and she wanted to go home. She told me that her mom wouldn’t allow her to quit, because she knew she would not get reimbursed. I had been advised[by my boss] to let her sit in the corner while Joanna and I managed the other kiddos. So, I did. A few minutes later she came to me—attitude fully intact—saying that she wanted to play the game, but not to call her mother. As soon as I asked her to return to the corner, she stormed out of the room. That’s right---out of the door, into the open courtyard. Joanna followed while I called her mother. While I talked, she ran(quite fast, I might add), cried, and told Joanna that she hated us. She spoke angrily through her teeth, and I was afraid she might hurt someone. She finally locked herself in a bathroom stall—for which I think Joanna was grateful since she was so fast. By that point, it was time to end rehearsal. Jenna was thrilled. Joanna later told me that even when she tried to embrace Jenna, she was pushed away with an “I don’t WANT you!”
Days like these really hurt your heart. Joanna and I had done nothing to make Jenna feel as miserable as she was, yet she still hated us. She wanted nothing to do with us, even though we tried to make her feel as loved and accepted as all of the other kids.
Last night as I mulled over the day’s events, I was reminded of Eph. 2:3-5:
All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following it’s desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved!
Like Jenna, we ran away from God, in complete hatred and rejection—as objects of wrath. When he pursued us, we ran faster. When he embraced us, we pushed him away. And when we gritted our teeth in anger, hoping we could make him go away forever, he loved us to the point of death on a cross. He is our Relentless Redeemer.
When he saw how completely hopeless we were, and how directly we opposed him, he didn’t stop loving us. He didn’t give up. Instead, he was filled with compassion. He saw the potential we could be through his blood—through his salvation---and he loved us more.
I’m not sure what is going on in Jenna’s life. Thinking about her makes my heart heavy. I can’t help but wonder if her deliberate opposition and anger came from a dire need to have a place; to feel wanted. She just might not have known how to say that to us.
Praying I can be more attentive to this inner desire, and less frustrated with how it might be expressed.
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