The Queen of Wishful Thinking

I wish I was a better wife. I wish my sin wasn’t so overwhelmingly great. I wish that I knew how to relate well to my husband.  I wish I wasn’t quick to say hurtful things to him in the midst of conflict. I wish I wasn’t so nagging. I wish I didn’t focus on the negative side of things. I wish I could claim that pride is not an issue for me. I wish…I wish…I wish…

And there, my friends, is the problem.

Some verses on my mind today:.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. –Prov. 18:21

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!- Ps. 141:3

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. –Prov. 15:4

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing- Prov. 12:18

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt…- Col. 4:6

Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceitfully; with his mouth each speaks peace to his neighbor, but in his heart he plans an ambush for him- Jer. 9:8

Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him- Prov. 29:20

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person- Matt. 15:18

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding- Prov. 17:27

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that  It may give grace to those who hear- Eph. 4:29

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark… James 3:5

I’m struggling with these verses a lot today because I know that they describe me (Colossians 4:6 excluded).  I must honestly admit that lately I have done nothing but complain, nag and discourage. I’m afraid it’s all I can do lately. There is no justification for it. I am moody, selfish and SO quick to think of my needs before anyone else’s, particularly my husband’s. Why am I this way? Because of sin. I say hurtful things because I want to be right, or because I know how to push his “buttons”.  My speech is not gracious, nor is it seasoned with salt. And oh my goodness, I am extremely hasty with my words (I cannot keep using the excuse that that is a southern habit…). My tongue might as well be that “deadly arrow” Jeremiah discusses in chapter 9. And do you know what the worst part of it is? Sometimes…and I’m being super vulnerable right now…sometimes I delight in being this way! Right now I certainly feel like David when he cried, “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth!” in Psalm 141. It feels hopeless.

BUT...

The Gospel

During Bible study last week a verse stood out to me that I haven’t been able to get off my mind ever since: Romans 10:9. Paul says, 

That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 

[[[If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord]]] -> Just keeps ringing in my mind.  If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord…Wait a minute! Never before have I broken this verse down. My conversation with the Lord concerning this verse looks something like this:

Me: Lord, what are you trying to say here?

Read it again.

Me: But I’ve read this verse multiple times. I know what it says.

Susanna, read it again.

Now out loud.

Me: Okay.

Me: “That if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord”…OH! Well, now I just feel sheepish…

(get it?)

Basically, the Lord revealed that I am not making him Lord over my tongue. In those moments when I feel like saying something destructive, I don’t ask the Holy Spirit to shift my thinking and surrender my tongue to the Lord. HE needs to be Lord over what I say, what I think, and the matters of my heart. It is his rightful place. Why am I quick to claim lordship? Oh, right…sin. What’s more, the Lord can redeem my words…in fact he can redeem them faster than I could ever wish! He can make them “gracious and seasoned with salt”. Isn’t it sweet to know that our Lord loves us enough to help us understand our need for Him? On feeling the weight of sin, John Piper once said,

“Maybe  God has brought you to this point so that grace would taste sweeter than it ever has”

 Boy, was he right on point! Yes, the weight of sin is heavy, and uncomfortable, but praise be to God for salvation! Christ carried the burden, and I am forgiven. Just writing those words leaves me feeling relieved. I cannot wish myself into perfection because I am NOT Jesus…AND because that is not how sanctification works.  While it is hard, I am thankful. And when I’m falling and failing, I’m feeling the need for my merciful Father desperately.  Thank you, Lord. Thanks for hangin' in here with me...

Update: the TV fast is going well, I think. During the day I don’t watch as much, or any at all, but it is definitely harder at night…and on the weekends. On a positive note,  I have gotten more time with Jesus. Additionally, my need/desire to watch TV has diminished significantly! Heck, I’m thinking we should probably just cancel Cox overall…it would save $$ AND electricity!