Since today is the day Marty McFly entered when he ventured into the future, I have decided it is only fitting to write a letter to my future self. Here goes nothin':
,Dear Susanna,
As you[your past self] write this, your 5 month-old firstborn is sleeping peacefully in the next room. She is beautiful, hilarious, and her personality blossoms more each day. You have loved nurturing her creativity and praying for her heart.
But now that you[future Susanna] are reading this, she is growing up.
And so, since I am feeling the effects of this whirlwind we call life, I am writing this as an effort to help you cherish every season. If you feel offended, just stop, take a breath, and remember I have your best interest at heart.
1. When she's a babe:
Gosh, I am literally in the thick of this[I have proof encrusted on my tank top]. If you could remember anything about this season, it would be to live in the moment. It seems that every month she changes. The first few months are the most chaotic--she eats constantly, or cries, or poops-- but then, as if overnight, she changes. Her eyes start to open more, and she begins to recognize your face. She isn't content to merely lay on you anymore, she wants to jump, roll, or crawl, or--eeek--walk! Month-by-month she becomes a little less infantile and more like a tiny human. You have been entrusted with her. Remember that God chose you to be her mom. No one else can love her the way you do. And when she sleepily lays her soft, fuzzy head on your chest at night, leave her, and remember the moments are few-and-far-between.
2. Toddler-hood: Hm, since I haven't actually experienced this yet, I don't have any wisdom. But I can tell you(based on what my other mommy friends have said) that it will be tough. She will learn the word, "no", and she will randomly throw fits in the worst, most inconvenient places. You will potty-train. And she might fight it. She will demand your attention constantly, and you will feel emotionally drained at times. You may even be pregnant when you're undergoing all of this. Even then, don't miss a moment. In the most frustrating days, when it feels like you'll never have an adult conversation or look like you even resemble a real person, remember she's watching you. She is looking to you to model godliness--not to have your life together. If you yell, apologize. If she is wrong, point her to Jesus and pray for her little spirit to be broken before Him. Extend grace. Pray for energy to love your husband first, even on the most tedious of days, and show your daughter how much you adore him. Write down the sweet moments--when she tells you you're her best friend, or wants to play with you only. Affirm her daily. Her little eyes are on you, "Momma".
3. Preschool/Kindergarten/Elementary: Well, You can at least remember how you felt when you were this age. It was the season when you didn't want boobs, and you still loved the playground. Puberty hadn't struck yet, so you weren't insecure. You were care-free, sort of. Little girls can be so caddy, so you can remember having your feelings hurt on several occasions. But you were also the perpetrator at times, so there were often opportunities to grow. You felt secure because you knew how deeply your parents loved each other. This is when you started asking questions. You wanted answers for everything. Who is God? Why can I trust Him? How was I made? Remember to make your daughter feel safe. Love her father openly, and continue to affirm her. Tell her you love her and are proud of her, even when she makes mistakes. Pray with and for her. Study God's word with her. Don't be afraid to dialogue with her about anything(within some boundaries, obiously). She's curious and she is looking to you for wisdom. Puberty is coming, and she needs a firm foundation upon which to stand. Continue to lead her to the cross of Christ.
4. Ah, Puberty, an Unwelcome Visitor:
So far, you have survived some seriously tough, yet indescribably joyful, seasons. But nothing could prepare you for this one. At this age[even before, really], you were "boy crazy". And you were a little more than awkward. You were homeschooled[primarily so you could pursue theatre] and your close friends[mostly] lived at least 30 miles away. It was a strange season. Everything made you feel insecure. You cried over the tiniest "problems"[why won't X talk to me?] and you journaled like you were on a deadline. Sometimes you even hid your journal so that Dad wouldn't find it. You had a new "crush" every other month, and a corresponding song paired with it. Of course, you didn't develop physically as quickly as others in your age-group did, so you felt excluded and "uncool". Boys did not talk to you, or find you attractive. And the ones who did were never the ones you liked. So, you felt stuck; like you couldn't catch a break. For the first time, you cared about your physical appearance. You never felt beautiful. And you got pimples[yuck]. Remember those raw emotions. Even when your daughter breaks your heart with unkind words or actions, pursue her in love. Continue to love her father--even when any outward display of affection makes her "want to puke"-- and remember that in doing so, you are creating a peaceful home-life. Keep talking. When she shuts you out--both emotionally and physically["I can't stand you!"--slams door] remind her of God's love. Ask questions, but don't condemn, and spend quality time with only her--even when other littles' needs may be more obviously met. Remember she still needs you, and she fights to feel accepted, loved and valued everyday. Pray, pray, pray. Trust that when you can't seem to get through to her, the Father is working mightily.
5. Teenage Years:
You were not really a difficult teenager, according to your parents. You never struggled with drugs, sex, or anything physically destructive. But you were highly emotional. You still struggled to find your identity in Christ alone. But your gracious, wise parents knew this. And they loved you well. They--being on the other side of things--realized what potential you had in Christ, and they nurtured that. You dad, in particular, furiously fought to love you. You and your father weren't as close as you had been before, and you would say and do disrespectful things that [I'm sure] hurt his heart. But he continued to invest in your relationship. Amidst providing for the family, leading a congregation[crazy-fun group of teens included], pouring into the lives of many, leading his wife, he found time to pursue you. He planned special outings for you, and he wasn't afraid to discuss heavy topics with you. If resolving conflict meant forfeiting sleep, he did. He was there for every performance, every ceremony, every mission trip, every life decision[college, or not?] every shopping outing[to make sure the clothes were modest and God-honoring], and you loved him for it. You just didn't express it the way you could have. When your daughter is on the brink of adulthood, remember that she still needs you. Love her unconditionally, and show her the hero who is her father. Help her understand that you both want the very best for her, and cultivate her gifts. Pray that God continues to show her who she can be when her heart is fully surrendered to Him. Pray for contentment, peace, wisdom, and that she would find her identity in Christ alone.
6. College.
You grew so much in college. Your heart was broken, you learned how to live on your own and make big life decisions, and you fell flat on your face many times. You had some emotionally and spiritually dry seasons, and you learned what it means to be rooted in Christ. Remember those experiences. When your daughter is out of the home, remember that she is still your little girl. Give her grace when she makes mistakes, and lovingly exhort her when she comes to you in sin. When she tells you how she feels you have failed her, breathe, and remember you did the same. Then, when she weepily apologizes, forgive her willingly. Provide for her financially, but teach her how to plan a budget. Teach her the value of hard work and discipline. Spend time with her. Though she seems fiercely independent[which is what you prayed into her life], she still needs time with you. She needs to feel like she can communicate openly without your judgment and with your wise counsel. Rejoice when she succeeds. Be present for every occasion. Continue to point her towards the Gospel, knowing and praying that God is shaping her into a woman after His own heart.
7. Marriage.
If God should call your sweet girl into marriage, rejoice! God-willing, she has married a man who is worthy of her love; who will love her tenderly, yet lead her wisely. A man who loves the Father more than himself, and who promises to lead her by laying down his life. Remember how scared you felt? It was all so unknown to you. First, you came home one summer, unsure of how you wanted to move forward with her father, and then, almost a year to the day, you married him! That must have happened too quickly for your parents. They might have wondered what in the world you were thinking. But, they quietly and patiently trusted the Father. Remember how determined you were. The time for marriage was immediate; there was no waiting. No one could have changed your mind. And, of course, remember how you were "gaga" in love with her dad(still are!). Meet with her future husband, get to know him, discern that he is an honorable, godly man. If they believe God is leading, support them. If it seems too soon, breathe, and trust His plan. When she calls you to discuss their first fight, don't entertain the discussion. Charge her to go to her husband. Be for their marriage. Pray for and with them faithfully. Encourage her husband, and realize that he is different than your daughter. He may not feel loved the way she does. He may not respond the way she does. But know that he needs your support. Always--even though you may not want to--allow them time to resolve conflict. Do not interfere with their plans. If they live far away, be gracious and patient. Make your daughter feel loved, and that you miss her, but trust the plans that she and her husband make. If she hurts your feelings, lovingly point that out. And remember, the relationship between in-laws is fragile. Remember how different that relationship was for you. When your daughter comes to you complaining of how she has been hurt by her husband, take no sides. She did not just marry a sinner, she is one. She, too, will make mistakes. Try your hardest to affirm the marriage. If you feel conflict must be addressed with her husband, do it respectfully, and in private. Love them enough to give them space, and don't harbor unrealistic expectations. I know it may be easy for you to begin taking care of her when you visit, but let her husband do that. Micromanaging is not your job anymore. You have done your very best before God and now she is under the spiritual headship of the man to whom she was given.
8. Parenthood:
Well, now you are a grandmother. Geeze, this all happening WAY too fast!
Another season where your little girl desperately needs her mom. She will feel scared, insecure, uncertain, anxious, etc. Everything will feel so foreign to her. Remember that? Remember how everyone felt the need to share their story with you once they heard of your pregnancy? Remember how informative the internet was? And the decisions. So many choices! Everyone had an opinion and nothing you decided ever seemed right! Again, I implore you to encourage your daughter. Honestly share your decisions, and stories, but never pressure her. She is her own woman now, and you are her support. She needs your love, your care and your wisdom. Let her come to you with questions. If you can, be present when she requests you. Make every effort to build her marriage up, and to support her journey through "Mommyland". Willingly care for her new bundle of joy. Do the laundry. Clean the house. Keep the baby so she and her husband can reconnect. Serve joyfully. Verbally affirm her and remind her to rest in Jesus' strength. She is learning as she goes, and she won't have everything under control 24/7, but if she knows you support she and her husband wholeheartedly, and that you are daily lifting her with the Father, she will feel secure.
And please, my dear friend, in each and every season, remember to give thanks in every small victory of life(be it successful potty-training, a modest prom dress or college admission) for the blessings abound.
Love,
Sus
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